Monday, June 7, 2010
Stuck in pain
I feel so stucked. I dunno. Well, I dun wanna lose anything, yet I want to move on. I dunno seriously what I am doing sometimes. The person I love is simply hurting me more. Alot more. I dunno also. Jealousy been getting the better of me as well. I feel so flat and I feel I am losing out to some big chested bitch now. I know no matter what it rather hopeless still. Sigh.
Sat, at my cca meeting.
I felt so targeted. Seriously. I thought I was able to take it head on. I thought things would be simple politics. Who the fuck thought they were quite directly targeted at me. Well, it may not be, but I feel targeted. I dunno, I felt everything was against me. Seriously.
I didn't want to break. I kept myself occupied. Yes, very occupied. I literally did anything but to leave myself alone, doing nothing. Sat night was painful. When I got home, I just broke. Seriously, I felt so pain. Its like. Everything in the meeting was pre-planned, against me in mind. quite a bit of back story, but still, there were 4 ppl when they met on thurs to discuss wat to say on Sat. Very obviously, they discussed a matter that was simply directed at me. I Felt I killing someone. I know I hate and despise him quite a bit now, yet I still love him. Or like him. Or admire him. I no longer know.
I was already in a bad enough state, and anohter issue had to be surfaced. "I liked W." Was surfaced. I realli dunno. If ZH was not there, I might have said yes, but I could not say it out. In fact, ZH was preassuring me to say it. I could not say a thing. I trust him, but because I trust him I dun wanna say it. Cuz he is so against me wanting to be a girl, he is homophobic and all. WHY? Why did things have to be this way. And I could not have said No. I would be lying to myself. One of the things I Won't want to do. I somehow felt, alot of other unrelated wounds were all reopened. I dunno why, but I felt so crap. After the meeting I split off from the bunch for about an hour before meeting them at the event. Quite a number of people noticed I was not ok. Although I was trying to keep an ok looking face. And yar, I was avoiding W for quite a bit.
I felt like crap and when I got home, I broke down the moment I got home. After that I was kinda eased by CT who chatted with me quite alot. I norm dun talk so much with her, I guess, I realli needed someone.
Today, I was Ok, or so I was forcing myself to do so. I continuously did work non-stop, keeping myself distacted. I did not want to think. I thought it would work. But now, when I tried to sleep, everything comes back to me. It hurts so muc. Too much.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|3:32 AM|
Monday, June 7, 2010
Stuck in pain
I feel so stucked. I dunno. Well, I dun wanna lose anything, yet I want to move on. I dunno seriously what I am doing sometimes. The person I love is simply hurting me more. Alot more. I dunno also. Jealousy been getting the better of me as well. I feel so flat and I feel I am losing out to some big chested bitch now. I know no matter what it rather hopeless still. Sigh.
Sat, at my cca meeting.
I felt so targeted. Seriously. I thought I was able to take it head on. I thought things would be simple politics. Who the fuck thought they were quite directly targeted at me. Well, it may not be, but I feel targeted. I dunno, I felt everything was against me. Seriously.
I didn't want to break. I kept myself occupied. Yes, very occupied. I literally did anything but to leave myself alone, doing nothing. Sat night was painful. When I got home, I just broke. Seriously, I felt so pain. Its like. Everything in the meeting was pre-planned, against me in mind. quite a bit of back story, but still, there were 4 ppl when they met on thurs to discuss wat to say on Sat. Very obviously, they discussed a matter that was simply directed at me. I Felt I killing someone. I know I hate and despise him quite a bit now, yet I still love him. Or like him. Or admire him. I no longer know.
I was already in a bad enough state, and anohter issue had to be surfaced. "I liked W." Was surfaced. I realli dunno. If ZH was not there, I might have said yes, but I could not say it out. In fact, ZH was preassuring me to say it. I could not say a thing. I trust him, but because I trust him I dun wanna say it. Cuz he is so against me wanting to be a girl, he is homophobic and all. WHY? Why did things have to be this way. And I could not have said No. I would be lying to myself. One of the things I Won't want to do. I somehow felt, alot of other unrelated wounds were all reopened. I dunno why, but I felt so crap. After the meeting I split off from the bunch for about an hour before meeting them at the event. Quite a number of people noticed I was not ok. Although I was trying to keep an ok looking face. And yar, I was avoiding W for quite a bit.
I felt like crap and when I got home, I broke down the moment I got home. After that I was kinda eased by CT who chatted with me quite alot. I norm dun talk so much with her, I guess, I realli needed someone.
Today, I was Ok, or so I was forcing myself to do so. I continuously did work non-stop, keeping myself distacted. I did not want to think. I thought it would work. But now, when I tried to sleep, everything comes back to me. It hurts so muc. Too much.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|3:32 AM|
kameyo
