Monday, June 29, 2009
Confused... Still
Yesh, today went to help out it my Secondary School again.
Well, I dunno why, but it seems like I realised something about myself.
I'm acting more mature when I'm teaching. WTF
-_- Natural?.....
Ya, aside from that, wasted almost 7 hours in TP doing almost nothing today. WTF is wrong with me, seriously.
And anyways, first lesson of Marketing for Designers. Very sianzzz. My lecturer first time teaching, very lousy, but I dun blame him.
Ya, anyways, got so bored so so bored that I started drawing in class. Drew Yaoi. XD
One of my classmates saw me drawing and suddenly said:
"You are freaking me out more than usual today."
Followed by a
"Are you straight."
Well, in front of people I trust my answer would be, I dun think so. Buy me a maido suit....
Well, in front of her, knowing her as a epic rumor spreader, I said Yes.
NUUUUUU....
I wan my maido.....
I wan my Wig....
I'm flat... NUUUUU....
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:54 PM|
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I dun like expelling aura...
Well, personally, I hate giving off aura.
Yesterday, as in on Friday, something happened and some people there were like saying, I was giving off a horrible aura. I hate it, I seriously hate doing that. Which was why I was a bit cautious about it today. Well, they managed to rid of it, and I really have to say thanks to those people. Litchie, Ah Gong and Pinku. I really appricieted what happened. Though I don't feel like talking about it on this blog.
Well, today, yesh, I have to agree it was a tiring day, and also quite a stressful day also.
I was like in my Zetton costume like for dunno how many hours. Had enough food water etc, but there were a few things that, I dunno spoiled my day, or what, but yah, quite a few things raided my mind.
Firstly, AH Gong left cuz he was pissed cuz he saw someone he almost wanted to kill. Not S, dun worry.
Next, Aki suddenly 12 plus tell me they need me to be on stage cuz they needed to interview me, for god knows what, while I'm in my suit. End up, she play me out. The only reason why I ended up on stage as a Cameo was thanks to a very nice friend of mine. Thanks. And I feel like killing you Aki for a moment there for your poor planning. But its ok, I guess. Forgive and Forgive.
Next, I have to admit, I seriously seriously love Aki's first lolita dress she wore and Kitty's second one. ( quite easy to tell who I am refering to ) Aki's one was like purple and I really liked the designs on the lower half. Ahhh~~~~ I wann... no $$$$
And Kitty's one, the second one, red and silver, was also very very nice. Seriously I really like the design alot. The cutting was simply beautiful. Yesh, I dunno how to describe, but I really really like that one. $$$
And the other thing that really really got to me, only today, maybe I'd say really hit me hard today was that I am Fat and Flat. Double F. Nids to loose weight. Seriously. I know I lost quite a bit, but I need to loose much much more. And that I am fucking flat. It really gets to me seriously.
THe other thing is, sometimes I really feel I very insecure, as in with my surroundings.
Esp with guys around.
Well, walked into a shop, and was like seriously loved quite a few of the dresses there. I was seriously very restricted. At least I felt. And here we have Pinku, who just pinks up dresses and all. Sometimes I dunno whether he's serious or just trying to be a joker.
Cuz, I seriously like some of he dresses, but I just can't bring myself to pick it up or really talk openly about it with guys or the shopkeepers around. Even if its Pinku, I still don't feel 100% comfortable with him around.
Another thing was that stupid cockroach. I Just can't stand them. Seriously, its made worse with my mom forever asking me to get rid of them when sighted at home. Yes, although I get the job done, I always gets scolded for screaming and yelling while getting rid of it, or extremely short tempered. Though my cat sometimes finishes it off, I still can't really clear even a dead one without any fear or whatsoever. Which was why I got so pissed at Pinku for a moment there.
And another thing that really really made me quite agitated, or I dunno how to put it, is their NS talk. Yes, personally, I don't really mind adventuring, trying out new things and all, but a few things made me really really hate NS, which I don't ever say in front of guys.
First, I have to wear fucking ungly clothes almost everyday, seriously horrid looking in my perspective.
Second, I can't fucking stand Cockroaches.
Third, I seriously dunno how it'll be stucked with only guys for another dunno how long, had enough in school. 10 freaking years.
Of course there are nice guys, but even so, most of the nice guys are still perverts and idiots. Its like, not that they are not kind and all, but seriously, I just can't stand them.
Next, I can't wear my skirts for dunno how long...
And another reason is, I seriously don't like training up, esp the hands. Which may sometimes explain why I don't like carrying bags which can only be held by handles.
I don't mind running, and all, but I seriously don't like thick hard muscles for my hands, esp when the veins start popping out. Best eg, Litchie.
I seriously don't like that, which is why, sometimes when I have the stregth to do somethings, I act weak, so that I don't strain my hand too much.
Also another reason why I uses more dancing to loose weight rather than most other exercise or working out at gyms.
Sometimes I would also like to have someone to rely on. I know sometimes I may act all crazy and all, but sometimes, I have my limits, I sometimes hide my weaknesses, and it can be painful. To cut short, I would seriously like a supportive type of boyfriend sometimes. Jealous...
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|1:29 AM|
Friday, June 26, 2009
I feel SO FLAT
Seriously, I the moment I opened Luna, though it failed. I was like >.<
I wan some chests.....
I too flat...
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|1:09 AM|
Thursday, June 25, 2009
USB error
At this moment, my usb having some error, so my mouse not working.
All will be fine as soon as I restart my comp, but now, its damn irritating. Very.
Ok, once again, here I go ranting again. XD
Well, today second dance session.
Fun I guess.
Danced quite a number of old dances.
Talked to Ah Gong about collabing our dance group with another outside group. He was ok with the plan. Though I have to say, I know he's not really ready yet.
Ah Gong is still confused, very in fact.
He's starting to speak up, getting interested in another girl and all.
Then he stills go on saying about how it is impossible for him to chase another girl and all.
Well, in the end, I feel its just his self confidence. He needs something to really boost it up. If not everything will be impossible for him.
He always claims his feelings are not for him to control, and he can't ignore it. And that is his reason for his handicap. Sometimes, I really feel like taking a drill, drill a hole in his head and just dump some sense into him.
Yes, another thing I seriously get very pissed by is he refuses to move on his own. I have to drag him, push him and all. But I'm not giving up, not anytime soon. Sometimes, I feel like I'm becoming like his guardian angel or something like that. What I can say, he's not the hardest guy to save out there.
Since then, when I started afresh, there has only been one guy I could not save. He soils the dirty image of guys which is already dirty enough. Sometimes, he makes me feel sick. Sometimes, ULTIMATE FACEPALM.
Ok, that aside, yes, today, dance session, I wasn't really enjoying it much, in a certain way.
Ok as I am typing this post, I am on MSN with AH Gong. Since my blog posts I just post things off my mind, so yah, might be a bit messy.
ok, before I loose my mood to talk about today.
Yesh, One of the girls
SHE CAN'T SHAKE HER HIPS, at the start.
I just find it so so so WASTED. I wan those hourglass shape, she has it, but she was wasting it, she almost wasted it forever. Yes, until I somehow got her shaking. Yesh, Litchie helped me alot.
Agh, yes, I still feel so jealous.
NIDS TO LOOSE WEIGHT.....
Ok, Yes, somehow today, I think that lolicon somehow suspected I was wearing something underneath my shirt. Somehow. Yes, I was wearing my Pink Tube today.
Maybe I was just a bit too conscious, maybe.
AGRHHHH I wan 2 not cut my hair..... Seriously, whats with my mom...
Back to Ah Gong. Need to relieve some steam, even though I'm not through with him for the night.
I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HE WANTS TODAY.
Disclaimer, what I may be saying may just be a bit overboard, but ya, I really need to vent something.
I HAVE FUCKING NO IDEA WHAT IS WRONG WITH GUYS.
Day in day out, they only know how to look at chio bu.
The come to CCA. Only want to find Girlfriend.
No girlfriend will die ah.
Almost all the guys I see in my CCA like that. ALmost all.
Esp Ah Gong. He's just beating ound the bush. Saying what, he cannot target a girl, yet he down there telling me he wants to date that girl. Then now he tells me its a blankshot. Fucking hell, what is he thinking.
And Fucking hell, he down here trying to get him fucking out of this round a bout, anf he offline.
Seriously, he just wants a girl, to boost his fucking moral, so that he can depend on someone. He always says he's independent, but fucking not. I know that. ALmost my entire CCA know that. His Ex prob also know that.
I now am fucking asking myself, why am I still trying to fucking help him. I can easily like dicard him as a fucking fail, but I don't undertand. WHy am I still helping him?
I'm tired, I'm not oblidged to help, yet I am there for him.
I know he helped me, but thinking back, he never went the extra mile. He only did what was convienient. And I have no fucking idea why am I here pushing on, running half the world for him. Looking for answers he should be finding himself.
I feel like a mom. I don't know anymore sometimes.
Everytime I think he made progress, he proves me wrong.
I don't want him to bring everyone around down with him.
I'm still running, forward onward, for him.
Why is he still trying to be a baby.
I'm not gonna give up, I can still do it, there is still hope, something he denies.
I've come this far, why give up.
I looks like square one. Back to when he thinks he's a fucking open book and is not fucking telling us anything. Just that now. Its me alone.
A whole new level, new answer, new denials, same ah gong, same shit, same me
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:47 AM|
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Still confused by myself
Personally, today was a pretty good day. Seriously. But still, its not perfect, almost.
Well, today was helping Sin with her project. Well, honestly, I felt quite useful, finally, I have to say. After quite alot of problems going on lately.
I know alot has been solved here and there, but I still feel limited, and sometimes quite helpless.
I really am glad that Sin got me invovled in her project, honestly. At least I could get myself working again. I was actually feeling all good and rather hyped up when working on it. Well, except that some words did trigger me to get a bit pissed, not anything Sin said, but Litchie. I can't really recall exactly what it was, but sure, I get him a few hundred hits. I had to vent my anger and jealously on something. WHY AM I FLAT....
Ok, now, well, why am I confused.
Yesh, I was in a happy happy jump jump mood, when I came home. Only to feel akward.
Went to wash up and then cooked up a Pizza, fixed up the internet and got back to helping Sin. And here, my Mom just had to go nag nag again. For some reason, I'm not in the mood for anything to go into my ear to begin with.
So no in, all out.
Ya, seriously. Then my sis started complaining to me about ou mom getting pissed and flairing up for no apparent reason again.
I know I did not really eact to that. I seriously am very confused by myself honestly. I feel weird, akward, but yah.
Anyways, back 2 the project-chan. >.<
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:02 AM|
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
INTERNET-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesh, my intenet is down...
Wat to do, could not blog last night.
yes, now I am putting myself at risk by blogging with this guy next to me which I dun wan him to see my blog. ..<
Dammit.
Stealth...
Anyways ya.
XD
Ok, well, I'm blogging, cuz I seriously need to vent something out.
Yesterday, yes, I was wearing my Pink Tube. Apparently, sadly apparently.
I saw a girl walk past, dunno which random girl.
but yah, she was also wearing a pink tube.
The biggest issue I had, I am FLAT. >.<>
end of rant.
emos
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|6:50 PM|
Monday, June 22, 2009
Yesterday's Slacking Day
Ya, yesterday was very very slack. Seriously.
Well, yesterday went to Loli's house, not cuz he's a lolicon, but he's name sounds like one.
Went there with Sin.
Suppose to go there to do work, ended up slacking. Alomost the whole day. >.<
Well, though, ya, We watched K-on.
I wan those Yukatas..... >.<
The one worn for the K-On final ep. >.<
I wan.....
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:13 AM|
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Still not perfect mood
Well, what do I have to say. Well, today was pretty fun as a whole. Seriously.
Well, though there again I got pissed with guys again. Well, as usual.
Well, anyways, about yesterday, I guess I was going a bit out of hand for a moment there, now that I look back at what I posted. Anyways, ya, my Mum's all better now, so not much of an issue. Just that I think I still can't really get over what happened last night still.
Anyways, trying to leave yesterday behind.
Back to today.
Well, met up with Sin and Litchie, technically. Well, we met up @ hougang mrt. Ya, and went over to my workplace. Went to the usual only few working power points and steals power for my lappy.
I have to say first of all, I left my very nice lappy data in a mess, serious mess. Dammit.
Ok, anyways, was suppose to do 3D modelling, helping Sin. Ended up Sin doing painting with Litchie. Guess it was all good. Was not in best of condition to help. Honestly speaking. I guess it was actually for the better as well.
Anyways, ya, went over for work, not really, more like refresher training. I heard that there was going to be a change in some of the movements for TKD, which was why the training was called. Apparently, nothing changed. NOTHING.
But did have fun with sparring after that. Vented too much on the first round though. ALmost KOed in the dunno which round. Too exhausted, no proper sleep.
And hell, I fucking hate that medicine. I take it, I tend to loose focus, followed by KO. WTF.
Never like drinking it, but well.... lalalalala.
Anyways, after the whole training, I stoned there a bit before going up to meet Sin and Litchie.
Appaently, I had to some how overhear another stupid guys convo.
Eh, that Brown belt very chio ah.
"Never wear shirt under gee (TKD uniform) , only bra. Free show sia."
WTF.
In the end, she put on a shirt inside.
"Sian ah, later spar not fun liao."
Er hem. Whats with guys, seriously. I can't understand their idiocity.
Anyways, had a mini celebration later on, a little cake and then I went into the room and slept there. Totally exhausted. Tonight I think can sleep liao. I think.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:30 AM|
Saturday, June 20, 2009
.............
Dun worry, no suidcidal thoughts. Just gonna take a breather
edit: just took a doze of cough medcine. I think. Hoping to fall asleep, dun worry, not overdosed. I just nid rest.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:13 AM|
Still can't fucking bring myself to sleep
Tried to act random and act all normal on skype, no luck.
ANyways, ya, a moment ago was viewing Akimme's blog. Heck with anonymousity, I don't think she needs it anyways. Saw a few pics. One image that really got to me, well not really an image, but a still frame of a youtube video.
It was a frame of the Uncle D. Well, for those who know will know.
I just came about a blog via Ah Gong blog, and I just had to see that very image.
I don't know, I feel a weird feeling, a very weird feeling.
I don't know, I feel like I want to dwell back in the past. Back to the days bakachi was working at that GL shop. Well, those days were slack and fun. I learnt so much, so much about life. I never bothered to think back then, I was more or less a nutcase I think. Acting all happy go lucky, not bothered at all. Drive myself towards goals. No pain, no fear.
Whats wrong with me now. I don't know. Was it because I started thinking?
I really don't know anymore. I feel the past was sweeter. Now, its just so pain. I do have my fair share of joy, but today was hell, a torture, I don't even know why did I have to pull back so much, and hold everything in.
I miss the past. The days at the shop. The days with the dance group, I miss them all. Why can't things remain as it was. I feel so insecure moving on. I ever had thoughts of running away, but I just can't do it, yet I'm running. I don't know anymore, I just have to let things go. But its just so pain, why?
Why must people kill each other, and split. I once thought I found happiness in the dance group, but all was lost, in such a short time. I met them quite recently, but I felt something was lacking. I don't know is it just because now I'm so detached from them, so much has happened, or is it just my imagination.
I just feel so lost, I feel like dwelling in the past, even if just for one day. I miss the joys and fun I had. ljh
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|1:45 AM|
I don't want to run
Just to not confuse any one, I'm just posting everything running through my mind, so I don't really control whatever I post. Just posted this after I read through my post myself.
I don't want to be running all the time.
I'm getting tired.
I don't know anymore sometimes.
In fact I'm now very confused. I don't know whether I'm running, hiding, or plain killing myself.
Just to put whoever out there in ease, I have abosolutely NO suidcidal thoughts.
Like I think I mentioned before, I hate beating up a wall, which is why I have a blog.
I know many answers, I trapped by any questions, but I don't know anymore.
Here I have a friend, all these while seeking so much attention. Now that I finally have him opened up, I'm lost, I don't know anymore, how should I do it. I feel so helpless now. Now that I know his true issues, it makes me feel so helpless, not as a guy anymore, but as a person. I think I'm at my limit again. I hate feeling limited, I feel so useless. Now all I can do is be the messenger, and I hope for the best, I guess.
Now, here I have another person, not at all willing to lower his ego. I warned him, I tried to tell him to relax on his ego, but he refuses. He thinks his way will work out. I try to warn him. He has offended many, yet I still don't know why am I still trying to save him. I'm lost. Is it for my gain, when I gain nothing? I dunno anymore, I just get all confused and all. Why am I still helping him. I ask myself, why? Is it just plain normal for friends to do this, I don't know anymore.
In school, I have a fucking course manager who is a fucking bitch. Yes, a complete bitch. You see, this very NICE bitch only knows how to restrict. She never lets us venture into new fields. Why? I want to go further. I'm bored of alot the stupid things they teach. Seriously. We learn things, we never have a chance to apply. Why aren't we given a chance, why not let us venture?
Now, today, yes, I came back happy, more or less I guess. And yes, I seriously was in a good mood, and hell did my mom had to spoil my mood. Come home, talk to her, kenna scolded. She just screamed and all, venting out her anger. I know, sometimes we all need to vent out something. I let her vented it at first, of course, mood spoiled. Next, she had to fucking open the door while our cats were running around. Not once, trice. Lucky nothing happened, but yes, I was fucking pissed. She went on screaming and yelling, and hell did I realise my sister is not at home. I have fucking no idea whats wrong. And when my sis came home, she just scream and yelled more, I just fucking got so pissed. I guess back then I was also losing control on my emotions already. Locked myself in my room. And hell had she had to scream and shout at me to come out. Ok, still, I have no fucking idea why was I so obiedient. I still dragged my feet there and just had to let her vent it all out in me and my sis face.
I just freaking just had to stand there, to be a punching bag. And of all things, she fucking had to say that I don't care about her. That really made me snap. Completely. I still stood there, I was still constraining myself. I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't really know how to describe it.
And right know, some of my pals just skyped me, not mood to talk.
I feel so misunderstood. Why did she have to say I don't care about her. Whats with that. All this while, I've been doing things in silent, so I won't have to shock her or what, and now she just had to say it. I no longer feel as strong any more. I feel weird, seriously. I had almost just said it ight out to her, that I'm tired of being a guy. I just had to restrain. I no longer know why am I putting myself in such suffering. It was an almost perfect chance, or so I thought. And I had to fucking keep silent.
Ok, I tried to cool off a bit by shatting a bit on skype, doesn't work. I don't have any mood to keep up my happy self.
I'm just so confused, losing my mood fo everything for this moment. Argh. Sorry Sin, I don't think I can do any modelling to night, to messed up.
I feel to trapped. I don't know. I am like all so tempted to leave the house for a moment, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Of all times now. I feel weird, betrayed and misunderstood. I don't know anymore. I seriously am lost.
I know sometimes, I go out, catching so much attention, but sometimes, I just can't handle so much, I don't understand. I feel great with attention sometimes, I want to do more, yet I do so little. I wan to be seen, yet, I feel uncomfortable. I'm contradicting myself. Sometimes, I also feel I'm losing confidence as a guy as well, as someone who can care. I don't know.
I'm just all so confused. I don't want to disappoint her, but yet I'm running from my problem. WHy am I running, why can't I just face it. I don't want to disappoint her, I don't want to disappoint anyone, but why am I running? I'm tired, I need a break, yet, I don't want one. I want to keep going on, but I feel I'm breaking at times. I feel I'm at my limit. I want to express myself, I can't. I want to be what I want to be, I can't. I want to help my friends, I can't. I feel so restrained and limited.
What's stopping me, I dunno. I'm all so confused, I just am.
I'm getting tired of myself.
I want a change, but I don't want to lose it.
I just don't want to hurt others, yet I don't want to feel the pain.
I sometimes feel I'm just running from the past, but I want to face it, I just don't know how, I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to lose myself, yet I don't want to remain as myself as I am now. I want to relief myself, but I can;t. I feel so helpless.
I think I'll just force myself to turn in for the night in a moment. No matter what it takes. I need a break, I need one. I hope to wake up to a fresh and painless morning. Its just a hope, a dream. It is until I choose to change, but I'm not ready. I think
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:31 AM|
Friday, June 19, 2009
Another day I guess...
Well, today, yesh, first time I wore my Pink tube out. >.<
Well it was definately much more tighter than the black ones yesterday.
Argh.
Anyways, was a bit annoyed with everything today I guess.
I think was due to my sudden lack of sleep I think, or maybe cuz of Ah Gong.
I currently know that Ah Gong has reduced his amount of suidcidal thoughts and is properly thinking.
From what I know at least.
Feel like talking to S about it, but honestly, I still can't find the time. Maybe I think thats an excuse. I feel its more like, I'm still trying to absorb the information myself.
Through today lah I guess.
Though I know things are probably getting better and all, but ya, its getting to me, health wise.
Anyways, dun worry Sin, not your fault I not slping.
Ya, so anyways, I seriously don't know whether to worry or to feel relieved for Ah Gong. I just feel something is wrong, something is incomplete. Seriously. Everything he said, I have my doubts, yet I have no idea what the truth is.
Anyways, today's filming was fun, I had to say, though I was not in top condition and I think I kind of blanked out quite often. And yes, like I predicted, I knew I was going to have some problems today, with that useless piece of meat, so yes, I made the right choice to really bind it up with Cloth tape, so I didn't get in the way today. >.<
In any case, ya.
Well for work, I only had the issue where very soon, helpers will be leaving temp for O's, nothing big.
Met Baka-chi's BF for random reasons.
Ah, thats about it today.
Seeing a Flat-chested Litchie cosplayer's photo really made me feel relieved. In a way. >.<
XD
Though, I have to admit, Cos-toot.
I'm flat, dammit. >.<
Anyways, S, I hope to be able to see you soon.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:43 AM|
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Answers Taggy
Yesh Yesh, I see responses in my Taggy.
Anyways Yah. XD
Lazy to tag, so I post. No logic, but XD I guess. >.<
Sin: Yup, I guess you're probably right. True I guess. And Thanks.>.<
Akatsuki: I guess your point about comforting is quite true I guess, but still I'm not that confident.
Designer ah~~~, I not into that XD. Or maybe. But ya, will look out for flat-chested clothes >.<.
I dunno, but it really does get to me that I am flat, tend to feel jealous. Argh, but ya, anyways, I dun really very big ones, XD. To be honest, I just want at least something, not completely flat. Anyways, do habour the thoughts of starting a second Wardrobe soon, but still, $$$ the biggest issue. Hiding, I can find a way. >.<
Anyways, I have heard both sides of the story today, which actually lets me see a bigger picture, but still, there are matters I feel that only they can settle.
And in case anyone was wondering why I called Ultraman, Ultraman. He's big, and there is and Ultraman with his name. >.<
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:22 AM|
A random today in the middle of June 2009
AhhhToday was a not so bad day, but not as good as yesterday.
Well, first thing first, well, I was suppose to meet S in Singapore.
Well, left home early, and somehow while on my way, I met Ultraman, I hope those who can guess guess it right, Who was also meeting up with S. Amazing things do happen.
Won't state any more for here.
But anyways, some things did get to me at times.
One thing was, my mom not allowing me to keep long hair. I SO NEED A WIG.
Another thing, I am super super Flat. Yes, which make my tube slide down sometimes. Nids tightening. Thx Panda for the help. XD
Anyway, back to topic, or whatever I intend to say now, argh confused.
Anyways, spoke to Ah Gong about some matters during Dance session today.
Oh Ya, forgot to mention was Dance session today.
XD
Anyways, today is the first dance session for our CCA. But seriously, I hope that one day can collab with Ultraman's side of dance group, however I phased it and all, ya. Cuz seriously I miss them. Alot, as a group. Esp. Tsu**y. Ok, he's just so cute, but he's completely straight, yes as straight as a chinese Chopstick.
XD
Ya, anyways, I do feel sometimes that my issues are easier for them to accept, though I feel insecure telling them. Cuz I have no idea, what some might do, seriously.
Anyways, back to dance.
Ah Gong took part here and there. Well, in terms of teaching. So anyways, we taught the first part of Hare Hare. Well, went not too well. They need to shake it more. Dammit. The girls are seriously wasting their hips. Argh~~~ Then again, I wan those hips and all, and I'm so FLAT. -_-
Ok ok
And here, I am bombarded by this very very nice people I am with on skype. right here as I post this. This very niceguy of mind is sharing videos of this Moo Moo cow. And seriously irks me. And I wonder how these stuff survive on youtube. Whats with guys seriously. I don't undertand them at all.
Yucks
ok, back to topic.
I think XD
Ok, so anyways, right after Dance, which I felt was quite ok, went for dinner. COOL Ah Gong actually joined us. Seriously. Ah~~~~ I feel a sense of achievement, I think.
Ok, at first he was acting all emo and tough, in the end, the lost his will to hunger, and ate. Finally, a full proper meal. >.<
Feels so happy for him, very happy.
Yup, on my way home, he also SMSed me, asking my to pass some message.
I did.
When I got home, apparently, Ah Gong actually MSNed me.
The epicly tired me, who was repairing a costume halfway, decided to just call him back.
For once, he was actually talking, alot.
Lazy to state the details.
Anyways, it made me feel so much more useful. Seriously, I felt I actually knock some sense into him. At last. He started to confess alot of things, which he once denied. It was something that really made me relief. I know history won't repeat itself again, I seriously hope I am right, I just hope. Seriously I feel so happy, so glad.
Anyways, we came out with a little solution which I intend to say on a later date. Well, cuz I agreed with Ah Gong about it.
Anyways, I still feel I could have supported him better emotionally if I was a girl. As in, at least I believed it would help me comfort him better. I still am not very confident as a guy. But I guess, things did work out, for most part of it, for now, I hope, I think, I believe.
But still, I'm so flat..... Seriously....
Argh.
Random thoughts of sewing strap on boobies. XD, Seriously, me being flat does get to me quite often, I have to say. >.<
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|3:40 AM|
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
TTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBEEEEESSSSSSSSS
YEsh, today is probably the least emo post I have ever posted here. Ah~~~~~~
Thanks alot Ru~~~~
Well, I noe I was all emo and all for the past few days, but today is like a total change. Seriously.
Anyways, let me just start off somewhere.
Ok, today, I made a big big mistake. I was late XD. Ok, putting that aside.
Ya, I met up with Ru today, for those who noe her shud be able to tell who she is.
Well @ Hougang mall.
Old Chang Kee for Breakfast. Luvs~~~~
Ok, after that, we went window shopping. At first, I still felt uncomfortable. Well, uneasy feeling.
We went into a few shops looked around. What really really got on my nerves, maybe wrong word, but ya, what really made me uncomfortable were the shop staff following us everywhere we walked. Personally, I felt rather restricted and all. Uneasy.
Well, I did enjoy the visits to mini toons. Ahh~~~, those turtle plushies. >.<>.<
Yesh, seriously it was so relaxing. But dammit, my mom wun let me keep my hair long.
Senpai, when your wigs coming in, I wan 2 see da quality before I order them. XD
Yesh, my ultimate plan... Buy a wig.... lol
And anyways, since I was actually set out to buy some tights and red Panties, for Taokaka, and that I felt uncomfortable, we went over to Ang Mo Kio.
>.<>
Anyways, ya, had fun talkin on bus. >.<
Ok, so we soon reached Ang Mo Kio.
So, we headed to This Fashion.
Well, it was a very very very very big shop, so much so, no staff could tail us, though I felt a bit uneasy when we were near other people.
Well, I seriously saw many many nice clothes. Was indeed Tempted to buy some of them. Seriously tempted.
Ahh, so many nice blouses, and not to forget the miniskirts. Ahh~~~ Some were so nice. Seriously. There were also many nice dresses and all, and there was this particular hoodie, which I also found very nice. >.<
There was also this pink blouse similar to what I saw online, though it was still differant, only $10 I think, and online was like $40 minus shipping. Ahh~~~, So wanted to buy that, seriously. But ahem, my mom and my wallet.
Yah, anyways, I ended up getting some tubes. Was like picking colors and all. The pink one was nice, so was the black one. And yesh, there was this orange one. But not really my favourite shade.
Yes, and well, we proceeded to the cashier.
Thanks Ru!!!
Ok, and so since it was like two tubes stucked to the hanger and we saw the price tag was 8. >.<>
So ya, bought the pink and Black one.
After we paid, walked away from the counter.
NOOOOOOOOOO, It was $16 for two. Could not get refund. SO Ya, I returned Ru $ 10.
Remaining was my B'day present.
Thanks alot Ru!!!!!!!! >.<
Seriously, you made my day.
Yup, we had Takoyaki after that, followed by Sushi, though Ru ended up Ta Baoing it all. XD
So after we split. Thanks so Much............ >.<
I went to buy sponge before heading back to Hougang, needed to work at night.
You see, when I reached there, honestly, I was very very shacked, cuz have not slept proper for nights.
Ya, so I went to the Pasir Malam, not luck in finding tights, then I went straight to my workplace, Pungol CC, which is like near Houngang mrt, houngang mall there. Went to a small corner and fell asleep there. Woke up around 5 or so, forgot what time I fell asleep XD.
But ya, so glad that my sponge-chan could act as a pillow.
Then I met up with a few of my closer workmates to have dinner. Hor Fun. >.<
One of them treated us to the Hor Fun. And then one of my female workmates had to come in a very very nice outfit, purple top. Something like a hoodie, but is not. With a Ribbon and all. >.<, I wanted it. Ya, but the skirt was just normal.
I was like still in Window Shopping mode. XD
So anyways after that, we went back to the CC and soon started the meeting, which I expected to be shot. After going through the notes, my fellow cosplayer came in. Her dress, was omnya. ok, seriously. But I had to focus...., and I just could not bring myself to ask her where she got it. I prob get killed for it, I think.
Ok, anyways, I was expecting a very very bad meeting. Instead, 5 major trouble makers had quit. Which clears up most of our problems, though we still had some issues at hand.
Yup, but I ended up not getting shot, and for once, after I dunno how long, we ended the meeting peacefully, very very peacefully. No arguments, everything went perfect.
I'm seriously so relieved, I don't have to see friends try to kill each other. I hope this peace can last, I really wish for it.
And goods things still don't end.
When I got home, Ah Gong even bother to Skype me. Asking me to ask her GF things.
Something he never did before. It means he's getting closer to accepting reality, and finally have something he's hoping for. Not living in denial any more.
It was a small step, but it really made me very happy, at least all this time, I've not wasted it. At least, I noe, I'm not gonna lose, him. It just makes me so happy.
Thanks Ru
Thank my TKD pals
Thanks Ah Gong
Thanks today
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:28 AM|
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Ah Gong
Ya, seriously, I feel so helpless. Well, I think I just pick up from where I left off. I was glad I didn't bother to spoil my mood earlier, it would have made things worse.
Anyways, yesterday. Was speakign to Ah Gong on Msn, until, he suddenly threaten to commit suidcide.
Yes, obvious, I panick, alot in fact. I tried to calm him down, but he was still trying to be insistent and all. Seriously scared me alot. I ended up pulling all the people I see online, including Casloli and Tsun Tsun. We really tried to talk him through.
I really have to say that he was being a jerk and all, seriously. He said he was open to everything, every idea, yet he refuses to try a god damn fucking thing.
At least, we managed to keep him alive.
Arranged with him to meet him at the drawing session.
Well, through the day, he was in my mind, seriously. I just could not let him die. He meant alot to me. He taught me so much, he even help me with projects and when I had problems.
Well I know he lost alot of meaning in life when he broke up with his girlfriend.
I felt so helpless. Seriously, I had the thought of if I was a girl, I could possibly try to be his rebound girl friend to save him from his suffering, or at least give him a softer landing. I also felt, as a girl, I probably could reach his heart more easily. It would also be easier for me to help talk to his girl friend. BUT NO... that stupid piece of meat down there just gets in the way.
Ok, enuff about my own issue for now.
Seriously, I'm thinking a bit wild and crazy now.
Ok back to topic.
Ya, so I ended up arcading. With another friend of mine. Seriously, I spent I think almost 4 bucks on Blazblue. Yes, I was not calculating my cash flow AT all. WTF, too stressed up I guess.
Ok now, as in I mean back at that point, I think I was pretty calmed, I seriously believed so, I think.
ya, anyways, just take it I was calm.
So ya, I was at the drawing session waiting for him. Start at 6. At 6.15, I started panicking. More or less afraid that he might jump. Till Lambo and I later found him and more or less cornered him.
I can't really go into details as in what I told him.
When we were at first talking to him, he was like all so negative. Everything, I dunno, cannot, won't work, I can't decide, nothing works for me etc.
Seriously, I was very desperate to help him. I even spilled info I should not have even told him, or anyone as a matter of fact. I even exxagerated facts I knew, hoping to hit a soft spot and open up his heart.
I felt seriously weak there, Serious. There was a friend, I can't help him. I felt so useless. I could have done more if I knew what happened then. Seriously, even now, I felt I could have done more, alot more.
I noe, in the end, he scared us. He was standing, but he suddenly fell to the ground crying. I still feel very shocked from that. I knew he was weak on the inside. But he was so physically well built. He looked so mature. He is so capable. To see him just collapse. It made not only him, but I myself feel so pathetic. It made me feel so useless. Like I did the wrong move. Seriously.
Even though he started to speak after that, I still felt so useless. Well, the key thing was, he wanted to meet his girlfriend. That I could do, but that was all I could do. I felt so helpless. I did arrange for a meeting for them, but they're not ready, so its not gonna be so soon.
For all I know now, I know I know a chain of suidcide attempts he did. Now I just have to verify them. Rumors of truth. It now matters, alot. Seriously alot.
I feel that, I probably would be so much more efficient as a girl. Being a girl, when he collapsed, I could have let him rested on me. Like most normal human males, they get so comfy and relaxed when they are allowed to rest on their female counterparts chests. Seriously, whats with guys. And after that, go round boasting about it. WTF, guys are all perverts, seriously. And here I am, so fucking flat and with a useless dick.
Back to topic, yes, I felt useless, seriously. I could have done more, alot more, yet I don't know how much more, or what more I could do. I know I'm not going through this alone, I know. But I also know, I'm doing not enough. I can't just stand by and let a friend suffer. I want to help, I know I can, but I don't know how. Seriously.
I don't want to see past repeating itself, seriously. I had terrible pasts. I have lost someone important. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose a friend.
Seriously I fear the pain of lost. I don't want to lose him. I want to help him, but
I think I'll stop here for now, just can't carry on, I seems to messed up.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:13 AM|
Monday, June 15, 2009
Stupid guys again~~~
I'm seriously rethinking what the hell is wrong with guys. AGAIN...
Yes, was out of some peoples yesterday. Very obviously they were humans.
When I was once again, stuck with the guys, I never liked it when it happens most of the time. There they go talking about women again. No pictures were shown. Seriously, whats wrong with them, whole day only can talk about women women women. WTF.
And yes, a few times, when I was wif the whole group, as a whole big group. Ya, most of the convos were rather fun, seriously. Then again, it was a group of SGcafers. I felt a bit more open... Ah~~~ pinky very addictive to hug leh....
Though there a few discussions about boobs. And when I look down at myself. NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
I'm like seriously flat lor. T_T
Ya, aside from that, overall was fun and all.
Later at night.
Went home and I Ah Gong started to msn me. I will state here Ah Gong, cuz, I do wan ppl recognize names, but not be able to track down my blog and all.
This one later then I blog, dun feel like killing my mood now. XD
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:06 PM|
Finally, my Skin...
Yes, I am very tired and shacked today. Not in any mood to blog... But at least my blogskin is done.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:09 AM|
Friday, June 12, 2009
Shopping
Well, this happens all so often, it seriously makes me feel so restricted and argh.
Well, seriously, I really need a window shopping session with people who can really accept my mindset and mental state as it is. Well, also, I think I can still survive without such a session. I don't die so easily.
Anyways, yes, its been getting to me for some time now. You see, everytime I walk into a shop, that sale girls clothes, I tend to feel like buying them, but then again... Money, my mom and my fucking useless piece of meat below.
Sometimes, I know, I can't buy them, but I still feel like wanting to comment and discuss it with someone. But usually, there's either a girl I can't trust around, or guys. Here you have it, all kept within myself. Ahhh... Seriously lah, it gets me freaking irritated.
Not to mention, online shopping. Seriously, I can spend hours and hours looking at clothes, but for me to buy it online, its impossible, almost. First, if anything gets shipped to my house, and my mom finds out its a dress, I'm dead. Seriously.
So all I can do is silently look at the clothes on screen and wear them in my mind.
At the moment, I've got a few girls stuff in my wardrobe, which I have to keep it away from my mom, if not....
Anyways, have plans to buy cloth and make myself clothes seriously. At least, if I have them, I can wear them at night while I lock myself in my room.
I seriously wish I can just wear a skirt in the open public and all, but well....
ps. read on if you don't mind reading some aweful shit and all, even I myself felt what I posted below was a little ehhh...
I know sometimes, a few people threaten me here and there to smash my balls, chop off my dick and all. Seriously, sometimes it would be better off if they actually do it.
At least easier for me to tell my mom I want a sex change. Seriously.
All these years, the only benefit my dick has ever given me was the ability to use the urinal, nothing else. In fact, I find it getting in the way most of the time. For some weird reason, my dick sometimes get rock hard in the middle of presentations, or when I am talking to guys, esp some really hawt ones. Sometimes it randomly just harden up which seriously iritates me.
I know the other day someone was talking about binding boobs and all, with duct tape and whatever crap. Then when she said like taping the dick backwards and all, to try to tell the guys how much it hurts, I don't really feel very affected. Cuz actually I fucking tape my useless dick backwards everytime during important events, cuz it does nothing but gets in the way.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:58 PM|
Seriously, whats wrong with guys?
Well, posting this, cuz of a little incident that kind of got me a little pissed for a moment.
Before that, yes, I'm still very fed up about this fairytale concept.
Ok, back to topic.
Well, you see, I was with my course mate, a girl, and with another guy. You see, this girl was talking about getting Sims 3. Well, personally, I felt there was nothing wrong with it. Personally, I prefer things like zoo tycoon, but its about the same and all. And this very nice guy friend of mine had to openly say the game sucks. Not to mention, he plays something similar.
Ok, I know you have preferences, but seriously, it kind of get to my nerves lah. Yes and him and a few guys, I'm seriously disappointed with them. Here you tell my course mate, this game sucks. Behind the scenes, in front of your screens, here you have them passing around this Bazuka Cafe or some shit like that.
The only freakin differance I see in the two games. In sims, you have humans. In this whatever shit cafe, they have cows. Practically cows. Whats with guys and oversized big water balloons?
I know boobies can be nice and all, in fact I sometimes wish I had them, but must you really have them so fucking big? Seriously, guys can be fucking sick, and I mean it.
I know of some girl who also watches Yaoi and all. Here you have guys, behind the fucking scenes, passing around pictures of upskirts, naked women, sometimes of classmates. Don't ask me how the fuck they do it. I only know how fucking sick and perverted they are. Irks me.
Seriously, I don't want to be seeing all this shit and be grouped as one co-existence with these hentai bastards.
Whats wrong with these guys, seriously? I know its sometimes needed to relief yourself of your sexual needs and all, but do you really have to sacrifice the privacy of your classmates.
There are fucking porn stars out there ready for you to drool and fap to. You don't need your fucking classmates to satisfy your fucking needs. Seriously, sometimes I wish I had not seen such things.
Being a guy, all you see most of the time, when its all guys around, a group of them, they only know how to talk about porn women fap and all the other perverted things.
Why am I not a girl...
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:31 PM|
Stating issues, finally I guess
Yes first thing first, that freaking Fairytale theme is still getting on my nerves. Seriously.
ok now moving on finally.
Well, apparently, I'm lately been very confused about my gender, seriously confused. Yesh, I noe I have a dick down there, but I seriously am still confused, am I a guy or girl. Well, mentally and all.
Yesh, thats my main problem. Apparently, I got a crush on this guy, well, lets just name him WK for now I guess.
Well, personally, I don't really understand myself either. This WK guy, he's pretty much a nice guy, but he seriously can be a moron at times, often also making wrong decsisions and all. Though at the end of it all, he's still cute and kind. Yes, for some reason, I find him very cute. XD
Though the biggest problem I more or less have is that he's straight, very very straight, to get a very very Tsudere girlfriend.
Ya, though I have to agree, she's a nice girl, but still.. ARGH... bcuz of her, well, even if she did not realii exist or what so ever, I guess having a relationship with him is rathe very very impossible.
Well, what confuses me sometimes is, yes, I do have to admit, I do like guys, but, I just feel I'm not like gay, if you get my point. I feel more like wanting to be a girl. Its like, sometimes, I feel so useless as a guy. And seriously, guys can be quite stupid at times, but sometimes, thats also what about them that I like. some times. Ya.
Sometimes, I feel so restricted as a guy. To the eyes of normal people, no one would probably agree to me wearing like skirts almost everyday and all. All because I got a dick below there, which often I feel that its redundant and it gets in the way, all so often and all.
Ya, even though sometimes I'll prefer to live life as a girl, I still can't bring myself to do it. Not cuz I don't want, but I just can't disappoint my mum. Its like, I seriously don't know if she can ever be able to accept the fact.
I know on the surface and all, she's always acting strong, but she's actually very weak in a way. Emotionally. My dad passed away. Well thats very very long time ago. But, although she always acts as though as she's gotten over it, I always doubt it.
She does not like me to keep long hair, which seriously makes me irritated. She also does not like me shaving all the useless hair off my face, cuz my dad never did.
Yes yes, talking about shaving, I need to be getting some cream or something liao. CUz she finally gave me the green light to shave, not long hair. >.< Something like to stop hair growth or something
XD
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|10:31 AM|
Meaning of Kameyo
Well, one thing, I dunno how many peoples actually noe lah, I like turtles.
http://babynamescountry.com/meanings/Kameyo.html
So ya, this should explain a bit more.
Well, I noe this is an emo blog and all, but I nid a name I'm comfortable with, which is something Cute, at least I must find it cute. XD
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:37 AM|
Irritated
Yes, I know, I was ranting on this a few fucking moments ago, and yah, here I am again. You see, this very very fucking irritating fairytale thing is getting to annoy me again. But I'm so happy, I managed to upload my music on my blog. Geeehhh~~~~~
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:30 AM|
Posting again
Finally, I ripped out another shit of this fairytale thing, that has been bothing me for a while.
Anyways, I don't really know myself, where should I be starting, there's too much, yet so little on my mind. Like I probably said it quite a bit, I'm freaking confused.
Yes yes, I know that I myself have many many many masks. Seriously alot of masks. Sometimes, I feel I'm a completely differant person to differant people, yet I always feel deep inside, there are things that remain the same, yet sometimes, I feel so uncomfortable with what ever remains inside when I'm putting on some other mask. Seriously, it gets on my nerves.
All this time, rarely, do I feel relieved, as I contradict myself. My morals and goals, or thats what I think they are known as. I seek the truth, yet I am clueless and I fear it.
I look in the mirror sometimes, and question myself, why am I such, why am I so useless at times, I don't understand myself anymore.
Anyways, I think I can't bring myself to post too much on my blog for now. I don't feel so secure yet, well, areas and thoughts I never posted before.
I don't noe, but I feel I do have some crazy and stupid thoughts off my head right now, but I'm not ready to rack it all out from my confused mind. Not yet, but soon, I hope.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:15 AM|
First real post
Well, personally, I hate the current pictures on this damn blog, in fact, I find it very in the way. Seriously spoils the fucking mood of my Blog.
Anyways, back to the kind gentle little me, ya, for a moment now.
Well, I'd refer myself to as Kameyo here. Well, I don't have any specific reasons, but well, thats most part of it I'd have to say. Most of the time, I'd pobably not state names, and I hope I don't end up doing so. Like previously, I accidentally posted names in my previous blog, and it wasn't very pretty.
Well, over here I more or less feel like blogging quite sensitive issues and all. Whatever the case, don't ask too much about me sometimes. I'm still floating in a sea of confusion, feel restrained, yet I don't feel like retaliating.
I sometimes dunno whether cuz its something born within me, a moral value I picked up, or do I just fear disaapointment.
I did take some random quiz about my fears on face book, and it said my greatest fear is disappointment.
Which I feel, often is true, a bit too true to accept.
Anyways, brb, I just realised that my blog tab in mozilla is titled some faiytale shit. Seriously, I'm getting fed up with this fairytale concept, though I'm using it for the layout, for now. Dammit
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:03 AM|
Starting a new
Well, I scrapped my old blog, cuz I don't want to feel linked to it any more. There are somethings, I no longer want some people to know. I no longer feel secure sharing some things with them anymore. Well, for many reasons.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:51 AM|
Monday, June 29, 2009
Confused... Still
Yesh, today went to help out it my Secondary School again.
Well, I dunno why, but it seems like I realised something about myself.
I'm acting more mature when I'm teaching. WTF
-_- Natural?.....
Ya, aside from that, wasted almost 7 hours in TP doing almost nothing today. WTF is wrong with me, seriously.
And anyways, first lesson of Marketing for Designers. Very sianzzz. My lecturer first time teaching, very lousy, but I dun blame him.
Ya, anyways, got so bored so so bored that I started drawing in class. Drew Yaoi. XD
One of my classmates saw me drawing and suddenly said:
"You are freaking me out more than usual today."
Followed by a
"Are you straight."
Well, in front of people I trust my answer would be, I dun think so. Buy me a maido suit....
Well, in front of her, knowing her as a epic rumor spreader, I said Yes.
NUUUUUU....
I wan my maido.....
I wan my Wig....
I'm flat... NUUUUU....
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:54 PM|
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I dun like expelling aura...
Well, personally, I hate giving off aura.
Yesterday, as in on Friday, something happened and some people there were like saying, I was giving off a horrible aura. I hate it, I seriously hate doing that. Which was why I was a bit cautious about it today. Well, they managed to rid of it, and I really have to say thanks to those people. Litchie, Ah Gong and Pinku. I really appricieted what happened. Though I don't feel like talking about it on this blog.
Well, today, yesh, I have to agree it was a tiring day, and also quite a stressful day also.
I was like in my Zetton costume like for dunno how many hours. Had enough food water etc, but there were a few things that, I dunno spoiled my day, or what, but yah, quite a few things raided my mind.
Firstly, AH Gong left cuz he was pissed cuz he saw someone he almost wanted to kill. Not S, dun worry.
Next, Aki suddenly 12 plus tell me they need me to be on stage cuz they needed to interview me, for god knows what, while I'm in my suit. End up, she play me out. The only reason why I ended up on stage as a Cameo was thanks to a very nice friend of mine. Thanks. And I feel like killing you Aki for a moment there for your poor planning. But its ok, I guess. Forgive and Forgive.
Next, I have to admit, I seriously seriously love Aki's first lolita dress she wore and Kitty's second one. ( quite easy to tell who I am refering to ) Aki's one was like purple and I really liked the designs on the lower half. Ahhh~~~~ I wann... no $$$$
And Kitty's one, the second one, red and silver, was also very very nice. Seriously I really like the design alot. The cutting was simply beautiful. Yesh, I dunno how to describe, but I really really like that one. $$$
And the other thing that really really got to me, only today, maybe I'd say really hit me hard today was that I am Fat and Flat. Double F. Nids to loose weight. Seriously. I know I lost quite a bit, but I need to loose much much more. And that I am fucking flat. It really gets to me seriously.
THe other thing is, sometimes I really feel I very insecure, as in with my surroundings.
Esp with guys around.
Well, walked into a shop, and was like seriously loved quite a few of the dresses there. I was seriously very restricted. At least I felt. And here we have Pinku, who just pinks up dresses and all. Sometimes I dunno whether he's serious or just trying to be a joker.
Cuz, I seriously like some of he dresses, but I just can't bring myself to pick it up or really talk openly about it with guys or the shopkeepers around. Even if its Pinku, I still don't feel 100% comfortable with him around.
Another thing was that stupid cockroach. I Just can't stand them. Seriously, its made worse with my mom forever asking me to get rid of them when sighted at home. Yes, although I get the job done, I always gets scolded for screaming and yelling while getting rid of it, or extremely short tempered. Though my cat sometimes finishes it off, I still can't really clear even a dead one without any fear or whatsoever. Which was why I got so pissed at Pinku for a moment there.
And another thing that really really made me quite agitated, or I dunno how to put it, is their NS talk. Yes, personally, I don't really mind adventuring, trying out new things and all, but a few things made me really really hate NS, which I don't ever say in front of guys.
First, I have to wear fucking ungly clothes almost everyday, seriously horrid looking in my perspective.
Second, I can't fucking stand Cockroaches.
Third, I seriously dunno how it'll be stucked with only guys for another dunno how long, had enough in school. 10 freaking years.
Of course there are nice guys, but even so, most of the nice guys are still perverts and idiots. Its like, not that they are not kind and all, but seriously, I just can't stand them.
Next, I can't wear my skirts for dunno how long...
And another reason is, I seriously don't like training up, esp the hands. Which may sometimes explain why I don't like carrying bags which can only be held by handles.
I don't mind running, and all, but I seriously don't like thick hard muscles for my hands, esp when the veins start popping out. Best eg, Litchie.
I seriously don't like that, which is why, sometimes when I have the stregth to do somethings, I act weak, so that I don't strain my hand too much.
Also another reason why I uses more dancing to loose weight rather than most other exercise or working out at gyms.
Sometimes I would also like to have someone to rely on. I know sometimes I may act all crazy and all, but sometimes, I have my limits, I sometimes hide my weaknesses, and it can be painful. To cut short, I would seriously like a supportive type of boyfriend sometimes. Jealous...
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|1:29 AM|
Friday, June 26, 2009
I feel SO FLAT
Seriously, I the moment I opened Luna, though it failed. I was like >.<
I wan some chests.....
I too flat...
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|1:09 AM|
Thursday, June 25, 2009
USB error
At this moment, my usb having some error, so my mouse not working.
All will be fine as soon as I restart my comp, but now, its damn irritating. Very.
Ok, once again, here I go ranting again. XD
Well, today second dance session.
Fun I guess.
Danced quite a number of old dances.
Talked to Ah Gong about collabing our dance group with another outside group. He was ok with the plan. Though I have to say, I know he's not really ready yet.
Ah Gong is still confused, very in fact.
He's starting to speak up, getting interested in another girl and all.
Then he stills go on saying about how it is impossible for him to chase another girl and all.
Well, in the end, I feel its just his self confidence. He needs something to really boost it up. If not everything will be impossible for him.
He always claims his feelings are not for him to control, and he can't ignore it. And that is his reason for his handicap. Sometimes, I really feel like taking a drill, drill a hole in his head and just dump some sense into him.
Yes, another thing I seriously get very pissed by is he refuses to move on his own. I have to drag him, push him and all. But I'm not giving up, not anytime soon. Sometimes, I feel like I'm becoming like his guardian angel or something like that. What I can say, he's not the hardest guy to save out there.
Since then, when I started afresh, there has only been one guy I could not save. He soils the dirty image of guys which is already dirty enough. Sometimes, he makes me feel sick. Sometimes, ULTIMATE FACEPALM.
Ok, that aside, yes, today, dance session, I wasn't really enjoying it much, in a certain way.
Ok as I am typing this post, I am on MSN with AH Gong. Since my blog posts I just post things off my mind, so yah, might be a bit messy.
ok, before I loose my mood to talk about today.
Yesh, One of the girls
SHE CAN'T SHAKE HER HIPS, at the start.
I just find it so so so WASTED. I wan those hourglass shape, she has it, but she was wasting it, she almost wasted it forever. Yes, until I somehow got her shaking. Yesh, Litchie helped me alot.
Agh, yes, I still feel so jealous.
NIDS TO LOOSE WEIGHT.....
Ok, Yes, somehow today, I think that lolicon somehow suspected I was wearing something underneath my shirt. Somehow. Yes, I was wearing my Pink Tube today.
Maybe I was just a bit too conscious, maybe.
AGRHHHH I wan 2 not cut my hair..... Seriously, whats with my mom...
Back to Ah Gong. Need to relieve some steam, even though I'm not through with him for the night.
I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HE WANTS TODAY.
Disclaimer, what I may be saying may just be a bit overboard, but ya, I really need to vent something.
I HAVE FUCKING NO IDEA WHAT IS WRONG WITH GUYS.
Day in day out, they only know how to look at chio bu.
The come to CCA. Only want to find Girlfriend.
No girlfriend will die ah.
Almost all the guys I see in my CCA like that. ALmost all.
Esp Ah Gong. He's just beating ound the bush. Saying what, he cannot target a girl, yet he down there telling me he wants to date that girl. Then now he tells me its a blankshot. Fucking hell, what is he thinking.
And Fucking hell, he down here trying to get him fucking out of this round a bout, anf he offline.
Seriously, he just wants a girl, to boost his fucking moral, so that he can depend on someone. He always says he's independent, but fucking not. I know that. ALmost my entire CCA know that. His Ex prob also know that.
I now am fucking asking myself, why am I still trying to fucking help him. I can easily like dicard him as a fucking fail, but I don't undertand. WHy am I still helping him?
I'm tired, I'm not oblidged to help, yet I am there for him.
I know he helped me, but thinking back, he never went the extra mile. He only did what was convienient. And I have no fucking idea why am I here pushing on, running half the world for him. Looking for answers he should be finding himself.
I feel like a mom. I don't know anymore sometimes.
Everytime I think he made progress, he proves me wrong.
I don't want him to bring everyone around down with him.
I'm still running, forward onward, for him.
Why is he still trying to be a baby.
I'm not gonna give up, I can still do it, there is still hope, something he denies.
I've come this far, why give up.
I looks like square one. Back to when he thinks he's a fucking open book and is not fucking telling us anything. Just that now. Its me alone.
A whole new level, new answer, new denials, same ah gong, same shit, same me
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:47 AM|
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Still confused by myself
Personally, today was a pretty good day. Seriously. But still, its not perfect, almost.
Well, today was helping Sin with her project. Well, honestly, I felt quite useful, finally, I have to say. After quite alot of problems going on lately.
I know alot has been solved here and there, but I still feel limited, and sometimes quite helpless.
I really am glad that Sin got me invovled in her project, honestly. At least I could get myself working again. I was actually feeling all good and rather hyped up when working on it. Well, except that some words did trigger me to get a bit pissed, not anything Sin said, but Litchie. I can't really recall exactly what it was, but sure, I get him a few hundred hits. I had to vent my anger and jealously on something. WHY AM I FLAT....
Ok, now, well, why am I confused.
Yesh, I was in a happy happy jump jump mood, when I came home. Only to feel akward.
Went to wash up and then cooked up a Pizza, fixed up the internet and got back to helping Sin. And here, my Mom just had to go nag nag again. For some reason, I'm not in the mood for anything to go into my ear to begin with.
So no in, all out.
Ya, seriously. Then my sis started complaining to me about ou mom getting pissed and flairing up for no apparent reason again.
I know I did not really eact to that. I seriously am very confused by myself honestly. I feel weird, akward, but yah.
Anyways, back 2 the project-chan. >.<
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:02 AM|
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
INTERNET-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesh, my intenet is down...
Wat to do, could not blog last night.
yes, now I am putting myself at risk by blogging with this guy next to me which I dun wan him to see my blog. ..<
Dammit.
Stealth...
Anyways ya.
XD
Ok, well, I'm blogging, cuz I seriously need to vent something out.
Yesterday, yes, I was wearing my Pink Tube. Apparently, sadly apparently.
I saw a girl walk past, dunno which random girl.
but yah, she was also wearing a pink tube.
The biggest issue I had, I am FLAT. >.<>
end of rant.
emos
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|6:50 PM|
Monday, June 22, 2009
Yesterday's Slacking Day
Ya, yesterday was very very slack. Seriously.
Well, yesterday went to Loli's house, not cuz he's a lolicon, but he's name sounds like one.
Went there with Sin.
Suppose to go there to do work, ended up slacking. Alomost the whole day. >.<
Well, though, ya, We watched K-on.
I wan those Yukatas..... >.<
The one worn for the K-On final ep. >.<
I wan.....
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:13 AM|
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Still not perfect mood
Well, what do I have to say. Well, today was pretty fun as a whole. Seriously.
Well, though there again I got pissed with guys again. Well, as usual.
Well, anyways, about yesterday, I guess I was going a bit out of hand for a moment there, now that I look back at what I posted. Anyways, ya, my Mum's all better now, so not much of an issue. Just that I think I still can't really get over what happened last night still.
Anyways, trying to leave yesterday behind.
Back to today.
Well, met up with Sin and Litchie, technically. Well, we met up @ hougang mrt. Ya, and went over to my workplace. Went to the usual only few working power points and steals power for my lappy.
I have to say first of all, I left my very nice lappy data in a mess, serious mess. Dammit.
Ok, anyways, was suppose to do 3D modelling, helping Sin. Ended up Sin doing painting with Litchie. Guess it was all good. Was not in best of condition to help. Honestly speaking. I guess it was actually for the better as well.
Anyways, ya, went over for work, not really, more like refresher training. I heard that there was going to be a change in some of the movements for TKD, which was why the training was called. Apparently, nothing changed. NOTHING.
But did have fun with sparring after that. Vented too much on the first round though. ALmost KOed in the dunno which round. Too exhausted, no proper sleep.
And hell, I fucking hate that medicine. I take it, I tend to loose focus, followed by KO. WTF.
Never like drinking it, but well.... lalalalala.
Anyways, after the whole training, I stoned there a bit before going up to meet Sin and Litchie.
Appaently, I had to some how overhear another stupid guys convo.
Eh, that Brown belt very chio ah.
"Never wear shirt under gee (TKD uniform) , only bra. Free show sia."
WTF.
In the end, she put on a shirt inside.
"Sian ah, later spar not fun liao."
Er hem. Whats with guys, seriously. I can't understand their idiocity.
Anyways, had a mini celebration later on, a little cake and then I went into the room and slept there. Totally exhausted. Tonight I think can sleep liao. I think.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:30 AM|
Saturday, June 20, 2009
.............
Dun worry, no suidcidal thoughts. Just gonna take a breather
edit: just took a doze of cough medcine. I think. Hoping to fall asleep, dun worry, not overdosed. I just nid rest.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:13 AM|
Still can't fucking bring myself to sleep
Tried to act random and act all normal on skype, no luck.
ANyways, ya, a moment ago was viewing Akimme's blog. Heck with anonymousity, I don't think she needs it anyways. Saw a few pics. One image that really got to me, well not really an image, but a still frame of a youtube video.
It was a frame of the Uncle D. Well, for those who know will know.
I just came about a blog via Ah Gong blog, and I just had to see that very image.
I don't know, I feel a weird feeling, a very weird feeling.
I don't know, I feel like I want to dwell back in the past. Back to the days bakachi was working at that GL shop. Well, those days were slack and fun. I learnt so much, so much about life. I never bothered to think back then, I was more or less a nutcase I think. Acting all happy go lucky, not bothered at all. Drive myself towards goals. No pain, no fear.
Whats wrong with me now. I don't know. Was it because I started thinking?
I really don't know anymore. I feel the past was sweeter. Now, its just so pain. I do have my fair share of joy, but today was hell, a torture, I don't even know why did I have to pull back so much, and hold everything in.
I miss the past. The days at the shop. The days with the dance group, I miss them all. Why can't things remain as it was. I feel so insecure moving on. I ever had thoughts of running away, but I just can't do it, yet I'm running. I don't know anymore, I just have to let things go. But its just so pain, why?
Why must people kill each other, and split. I once thought I found happiness in the dance group, but all was lost, in such a short time. I met them quite recently, but I felt something was lacking. I don't know is it just because now I'm so detached from them, so much has happened, or is it just my imagination.
I just feel so lost, I feel like dwelling in the past, even if just for one day. I miss the joys and fun I had. ljh
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|1:45 AM|
I don't want to run
Just to not confuse any one, I'm just posting everything running through my mind, so I don't really control whatever I post. Just posted this after I read through my post myself.
I don't want to be running all the time.
I'm getting tired.
I don't know anymore sometimes.
In fact I'm now very confused. I don't know whether I'm running, hiding, or plain killing myself.
Just to put whoever out there in ease, I have abosolutely NO suidcidal thoughts.
Like I think I mentioned before, I hate beating up a wall, which is why I have a blog.
I know many answers, I trapped by any questions, but I don't know anymore.
Here I have a friend, all these while seeking so much attention. Now that I finally have him opened up, I'm lost, I don't know anymore, how should I do it. I feel so helpless now. Now that I know his true issues, it makes me feel so helpless, not as a guy anymore, but as a person. I think I'm at my limit again. I hate feeling limited, I feel so useless. Now all I can do is be the messenger, and I hope for the best, I guess.
Now, here I have another person, not at all willing to lower his ego. I warned him, I tried to tell him to relax on his ego, but he refuses. He thinks his way will work out. I try to warn him. He has offended many, yet I still don't know why am I still trying to save him. I'm lost. Is it for my gain, when I gain nothing? I dunno anymore, I just get all confused and all. Why am I still helping him. I ask myself, why? Is it just plain normal for friends to do this, I don't know anymore.
In school, I have a fucking course manager who is a fucking bitch. Yes, a complete bitch. You see, this very NICE bitch only knows how to restrict. She never lets us venture into new fields. Why? I want to go further. I'm bored of alot the stupid things they teach. Seriously. We learn things, we never have a chance to apply. Why aren't we given a chance, why not let us venture?
Now, today, yes, I came back happy, more or less I guess. And yes, I seriously was in a good mood, and hell did my mom had to spoil my mood. Come home, talk to her, kenna scolded. She just screamed and all, venting out her anger. I know, sometimes we all need to vent out something. I let her vented it at first, of course, mood spoiled. Next, she had to fucking open the door while our cats were running around. Not once, trice. Lucky nothing happened, but yes, I was fucking pissed. She went on screaming and yelling, and hell did I realise my sister is not at home. I have fucking no idea whats wrong. And when my sis came home, she just scream and yelled more, I just fucking got so pissed. I guess back then I was also losing control on my emotions already. Locked myself in my room. And hell had she had to scream and shout at me to come out. Ok, still, I have no fucking idea why was I so obiedient. I still dragged my feet there and just had to let her vent it all out in me and my sis face.
I just freaking just had to stand there, to be a punching bag. And of all things, she fucking had to say that I don't care about her. That really made me snap. Completely. I still stood there, I was still constraining myself. I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't really know how to describe it.
And right know, some of my pals just skyped me, not mood to talk.
I feel so misunderstood. Why did she have to say I don't care about her. Whats with that. All this while, I've been doing things in silent, so I won't have to shock her or what, and now she just had to say it. I no longer feel as strong any more. I feel weird, seriously. I had almost just said it ight out to her, that I'm tired of being a guy. I just had to restrain. I no longer know why am I putting myself in such suffering. It was an almost perfect chance, or so I thought. And I had to fucking keep silent.
Ok, I tried to cool off a bit by shatting a bit on skype, doesn't work. I don't have any mood to keep up my happy self.
I'm just so confused, losing my mood fo everything for this moment. Argh. Sorry Sin, I don't think I can do any modelling to night, to messed up.
I feel to trapped. I don't know. I am like all so tempted to leave the house for a moment, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Of all times now. I feel weird, betrayed and misunderstood. I don't know anymore. I seriously am lost.
I know sometimes, I go out, catching so much attention, but sometimes, I just can't handle so much, I don't understand. I feel great with attention sometimes, I want to do more, yet I do so little. I wan to be seen, yet, I feel uncomfortable. I'm contradicting myself. Sometimes, I also feel I'm losing confidence as a guy as well, as someone who can care. I don't know.
I'm just all so confused. I don't want to disappoint her, but yet I'm running from my problem. WHy am I running, why can't I just face it. I don't want to disappoint her, I don't want to disappoint anyone, but why am I running? I'm tired, I need a break, yet, I don't want one. I want to keep going on, but I feel I'm breaking at times. I feel I'm at my limit. I want to express myself, I can't. I want to be what I want to be, I can't. I want to help my friends, I can't. I feel so restrained and limited.
What's stopping me, I dunno. I'm all so confused, I just am.
I'm getting tired of myself.
I want a change, but I don't want to lose it.
I just don't want to hurt others, yet I don't want to feel the pain.
I sometimes feel I'm just running from the past, but I want to face it, I just don't know how, I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to lose myself, yet I don't want to remain as myself as I am now. I want to relief myself, but I can;t. I feel so helpless.
I think I'll just force myself to turn in for the night in a moment. No matter what it takes. I need a break, I need one. I hope to wake up to a fresh and painless morning. Its just a hope, a dream. It is until I choose to change, but I'm not ready. I think
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:31 AM|
Friday, June 19, 2009
Another day I guess...
Well, today, yesh, first time I wore my Pink tube out. >.<
Well it was definately much more tighter than the black ones yesterday.
Argh.
Anyways, was a bit annoyed with everything today I guess.
I think was due to my sudden lack of sleep I think, or maybe cuz of Ah Gong.
I currently know that Ah Gong has reduced his amount of suidcidal thoughts and is properly thinking.
From what I know at least.
Feel like talking to S about it, but honestly, I still can't find the time. Maybe I think thats an excuse. I feel its more like, I'm still trying to absorb the information myself.
Through today lah I guess.
Though I know things are probably getting better and all, but ya, its getting to me, health wise.
Anyways, dun worry Sin, not your fault I not slping.
Ya, so anyways, I seriously don't know whether to worry or to feel relieved for Ah Gong. I just feel something is wrong, something is incomplete. Seriously. Everything he said, I have my doubts, yet I have no idea what the truth is.
Anyways, today's filming was fun, I had to say, though I was not in top condition and I think I kind of blanked out quite often. And yes, like I predicted, I knew I was going to have some problems today, with that useless piece of meat, so yes, I made the right choice to really bind it up with Cloth tape, so I didn't get in the way today. >.<
In any case, ya.
Well for work, I only had the issue where very soon, helpers will be leaving temp for O's, nothing big.
Met Baka-chi's BF for random reasons.
Ah, thats about it today.
Seeing a Flat-chested Litchie cosplayer's photo really made me feel relieved. In a way. >.<
XD
Though, I have to admit, Cos-toot.
I'm flat, dammit. >.<
Anyways, S, I hope to be able to see you soon.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:43 AM|
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Answers Taggy
Yesh Yesh, I see responses in my Taggy.
Anyways Yah. XD
Lazy to tag, so I post. No logic, but XD I guess. >.<
Sin: Yup, I guess you're probably right. True I guess. And Thanks.>.<
Akatsuki: I guess your point about comforting is quite true I guess, but still I'm not that confident.
Designer ah~~~, I not into that XD. Or maybe. But ya, will look out for flat-chested clothes >.<.
I dunno, but it really does get to me that I am flat, tend to feel jealous. Argh, but ya, anyways, I dun really very big ones, XD. To be honest, I just want at least something, not completely flat. Anyways, do habour the thoughts of starting a second Wardrobe soon, but still, $$$ the biggest issue. Hiding, I can find a way. >.<
Anyways, I have heard both sides of the story today, which actually lets me see a bigger picture, but still, there are matters I feel that only they can settle.
And in case anyone was wondering why I called Ultraman, Ultraman. He's big, and there is and Ultraman with his name. >.<
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:22 AM|
A random today in the middle of June 2009
AhhhToday was a not so bad day, but not as good as yesterday.
Well, first thing first, well, I was suppose to meet S in Singapore.
Well, left home early, and somehow while on my way, I met Ultraman, I hope those who can guess guess it right, Who was also meeting up with S. Amazing things do happen.
Won't state any more for here.
But anyways, some things did get to me at times.
One thing was, my mom not allowing me to keep long hair. I SO NEED A WIG.
Another thing, I am super super Flat. Yes, which make my tube slide down sometimes. Nids tightening. Thx Panda for the help. XD
Anyway, back to topic, or whatever I intend to say now, argh confused.
Anyways, spoke to Ah Gong about some matters during Dance session today.
Oh Ya, forgot to mention was Dance session today.
XD
Anyways, today is the first dance session for our CCA. But seriously, I hope that one day can collab with Ultraman's side of dance group, however I phased it and all, ya. Cuz seriously I miss them. Alot, as a group. Esp. Tsu**y. Ok, he's just so cute, but he's completely straight, yes as straight as a chinese Chopstick.
XD
Ya, anyways, I do feel sometimes that my issues are easier for them to accept, though I feel insecure telling them. Cuz I have no idea, what some might do, seriously.
Anyways, back to dance.
Ah Gong took part here and there. Well, in terms of teaching. So anyways, we taught the first part of Hare Hare. Well, went not too well. They need to shake it more. Dammit. The girls are seriously wasting their hips. Argh~~~ Then again, I wan those hips and all, and I'm so FLAT. -_-
Ok ok
And here, I am bombarded by this very very nice people I am with on skype. right here as I post this. This very niceguy of mind is sharing videos of this Moo Moo cow. And seriously irks me. And I wonder how these stuff survive on youtube. Whats with guys seriously. I don't undertand them at all.
Yucks
ok, back to topic.
I think XD
Ok, so anyways, right after Dance, which I felt was quite ok, went for dinner. COOL Ah Gong actually joined us. Seriously. Ah~~~~ I feel a sense of achievement, I think.
Ok, at first he was acting all emo and tough, in the end, the lost his will to hunger, and ate. Finally, a full proper meal. >.<
Feels so happy for him, very happy.
Yup, on my way home, he also SMSed me, asking my to pass some message.
I did.
When I got home, apparently, Ah Gong actually MSNed me.
The epicly tired me, who was repairing a costume halfway, decided to just call him back.
For once, he was actually talking, alot.
Lazy to state the details.
Anyways, it made me feel so much more useful. Seriously, I felt I actually knock some sense into him. At last. He started to confess alot of things, which he once denied. It was something that really made me relief. I know history won't repeat itself again, I seriously hope I am right, I just hope. Seriously I feel so happy, so glad.
Anyways, we came out with a little solution which I intend to say on a later date. Well, cuz I agreed with Ah Gong about it.
Anyways, I still feel I could have supported him better emotionally if I was a girl. As in, at least I believed it would help me comfort him better. I still am not very confident as a guy. But I guess, things did work out, for most part of it, for now, I hope, I think, I believe.
But still, I'm so flat..... Seriously....
Argh.
Random thoughts of sewing strap on boobies. XD, Seriously, me being flat does get to me quite often, I have to say. >.<
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|3:40 AM|
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
TTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBEEEEESSSSSSSSS
YEsh, today is probably the least emo post I have ever posted here. Ah~~~~~~
Thanks alot Ru~~~~
Well, I noe I was all emo and all for the past few days, but today is like a total change. Seriously.
Anyways, let me just start off somewhere.
Ok, today, I made a big big mistake. I was late XD. Ok, putting that aside.
Ya, I met up with Ru today, for those who noe her shud be able to tell who she is.
Well @ Hougang mall.
Old Chang Kee for Breakfast. Luvs~~~~
Ok, after that, we went window shopping. At first, I still felt uncomfortable. Well, uneasy feeling.
We went into a few shops looked around. What really really got on my nerves, maybe wrong word, but ya, what really made me uncomfortable were the shop staff following us everywhere we walked. Personally, I felt rather restricted and all. Uneasy.
Well, I did enjoy the visits to mini toons. Ahh~~~, those turtle plushies. >.<>.<
Yesh, seriously it was so relaxing. But dammit, my mom wun let me keep my hair long.
Senpai, when your wigs coming in, I wan 2 see da quality before I order them. XD
Yesh, my ultimate plan... Buy a wig.... lol
And anyways, since I was actually set out to buy some tights and red Panties, for Taokaka, and that I felt uncomfortable, we went over to Ang Mo Kio.
>.<>
Anyways, ya, had fun talkin on bus. >.<
Ok, so we soon reached Ang Mo Kio.
So, we headed to This Fashion.
Well, it was a very very very very big shop, so much so, no staff could tail us, though I felt a bit uneasy when we were near other people.
Well, I seriously saw many many nice clothes. Was indeed Tempted to buy some of them. Seriously tempted.
Ahh, so many nice blouses, and not to forget the miniskirts. Ahh~~~ Some were so nice. Seriously. There were also many nice dresses and all, and there was this particular hoodie, which I also found very nice. >.<
There was also this pink blouse similar to what I saw online, though it was still differant, only $10 I think, and online was like $40 minus shipping. Ahh~~~, So wanted to buy that, seriously. But ahem, my mom and my wallet.
Yah, anyways, I ended up getting some tubes. Was like picking colors and all. The pink one was nice, so was the black one. And yesh, there was this orange one. But not really my favourite shade.
Yes, and well, we proceeded to the cashier.
Thanks Ru!!!
Ok, and so since it was like two tubes stucked to the hanger and we saw the price tag was 8. >.<>
So ya, bought the pink and Black one.
After we paid, walked away from the counter.
NOOOOOOOOOO, It was $16 for two. Could not get refund. SO Ya, I returned Ru $ 10.
Remaining was my B'day present.
Thanks alot Ru!!!!!!!! >.<
Seriously, you made my day.
Yup, we had Takoyaki after that, followed by Sushi, though Ru ended up Ta Baoing it all. XD
So after we split. Thanks so Much............ >.<
I went to buy sponge before heading back to Hougang, needed to work at night.
You see, when I reached there, honestly, I was very very shacked, cuz have not slept proper for nights.
Ya, so I went to the Pasir Malam, not luck in finding tights, then I went straight to my workplace, Pungol CC, which is like near Houngang mrt, houngang mall there. Went to a small corner and fell asleep there. Woke up around 5 or so, forgot what time I fell asleep XD.
But ya, so glad that my sponge-chan could act as a pillow.
Then I met up with a few of my closer workmates to have dinner. Hor Fun. >.<
One of them treated us to the Hor Fun. And then one of my female workmates had to come in a very very nice outfit, purple top. Something like a hoodie, but is not. With a Ribbon and all. >.<, I wanted it. Ya, but the skirt was just normal.
I was like still in Window Shopping mode. XD
So anyways after that, we went back to the CC and soon started the meeting, which I expected to be shot. After going through the notes, my fellow cosplayer came in. Her dress, was omnya. ok, seriously. But I had to focus...., and I just could not bring myself to ask her where she got it. I prob get killed for it, I think.
Ok, anyways, I was expecting a very very bad meeting. Instead, 5 major trouble makers had quit. Which clears up most of our problems, though we still had some issues at hand.
Yup, but I ended up not getting shot, and for once, after I dunno how long, we ended the meeting peacefully, very very peacefully. No arguments, everything went perfect.
I'm seriously so relieved, I don't have to see friends try to kill each other. I hope this peace can last, I really wish for it.
And goods things still don't end.
When I got home, Ah Gong even bother to Skype me. Asking me to ask her GF things.
Something he never did before. It means he's getting closer to accepting reality, and finally have something he's hoping for. Not living in denial any more.
It was a small step, but it really made me very happy, at least all this time, I've not wasted it. At least, I noe, I'm not gonna lose, him. It just makes me so happy.
Thanks Ru
Thank my TKD pals
Thanks Ah Gong
Thanks today
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:28 AM|
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Ah Gong
Ya, seriously, I feel so helpless. Well, I think I just pick up from where I left off. I was glad I didn't bother to spoil my mood earlier, it would have made things worse.
Anyways, yesterday. Was speakign to Ah Gong on Msn, until, he suddenly threaten to commit suidcide.
Yes, obvious, I panick, alot in fact. I tried to calm him down, but he was still trying to be insistent and all. Seriously scared me alot. I ended up pulling all the people I see online, including Casloli and Tsun Tsun. We really tried to talk him through.
I really have to say that he was being a jerk and all, seriously. He said he was open to everything, every idea, yet he refuses to try a god damn fucking thing.
At least, we managed to keep him alive.
Arranged with him to meet him at the drawing session.
Well, through the day, he was in my mind, seriously. I just could not let him die. He meant alot to me. He taught me so much, he even help me with projects and when I had problems.
Well I know he lost alot of meaning in life when he broke up with his girlfriend.
I felt so helpless. Seriously, I had the thought of if I was a girl, I could possibly try to be his rebound girl friend to save him from his suffering, or at least give him a softer landing. I also felt, as a girl, I probably could reach his heart more easily. It would also be easier for me to help talk to his girl friend. BUT NO... that stupid piece of meat down there just gets in the way.
Ok, enuff about my own issue for now.
Seriously, I'm thinking a bit wild and crazy now.
Ok back to topic.
Ya, so I ended up arcading. With another friend of mine. Seriously, I spent I think almost 4 bucks on Blazblue. Yes, I was not calculating my cash flow AT all. WTF, too stressed up I guess.
Ok now, as in I mean back at that point, I think I was pretty calmed, I seriously believed so, I think.
ya, anyways, just take it I was calm.
So ya, I was at the drawing session waiting for him. Start at 6. At 6.15, I started panicking. More or less afraid that he might jump. Till Lambo and I later found him and more or less cornered him.
I can't really go into details as in what I told him.
When we were at first talking to him, he was like all so negative. Everything, I dunno, cannot, won't work, I can't decide, nothing works for me etc.
Seriously, I was very desperate to help him. I even spilled info I should not have even told him, or anyone as a matter of fact. I even exxagerated facts I knew, hoping to hit a soft spot and open up his heart.
I felt seriously weak there, Serious. There was a friend, I can't help him. I felt so useless. I could have done more if I knew what happened then. Seriously, even now, I felt I could have done more, alot more.
I noe, in the end, he scared us. He was standing, but he suddenly fell to the ground crying. I still feel very shocked from that. I knew he was weak on the inside. But he was so physically well built. He looked so mature. He is so capable. To see him just collapse. It made not only him, but I myself feel so pathetic. It made me feel so useless. Like I did the wrong move. Seriously.
Even though he started to speak after that, I still felt so useless. Well, the key thing was, he wanted to meet his girlfriend. That I could do, but that was all I could do. I felt so helpless. I did arrange for a meeting for them, but they're not ready, so its not gonna be so soon.
For all I know now, I know I know a chain of suidcide attempts he did. Now I just have to verify them. Rumors of truth. It now matters, alot. Seriously alot.
I feel that, I probably would be so much more efficient as a girl. Being a girl, when he collapsed, I could have let him rested on me. Like most normal human males, they get so comfy and relaxed when they are allowed to rest on their female counterparts chests. Seriously, whats with guys. And after that, go round boasting about it. WTF, guys are all perverts, seriously. And here I am, so fucking flat and with a useless dick.
Back to topic, yes, I felt useless, seriously. I could have done more, alot more, yet I don't know how much more, or what more I could do. I know I'm not going through this alone, I know. But I also know, I'm doing not enough. I can't just stand by and let a friend suffer. I want to help, I know I can, but I don't know how. Seriously.
I don't want to see past repeating itself, seriously. I had terrible pasts. I have lost someone important. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose a friend.
Seriously I fear the pain of lost. I don't want to lose him. I want to help him, but
I think I'll stop here for now, just can't carry on, I seems to messed up.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:13 AM|
Monday, June 15, 2009
Stupid guys again~~~
I'm seriously rethinking what the hell is wrong with guys. AGAIN...
Yes, was out of some peoples yesterday. Very obviously they were humans.
When I was once again, stuck with the guys, I never liked it when it happens most of the time. There they go talking about women again. No pictures were shown. Seriously, whats wrong with them, whole day only can talk about women women women. WTF.
And yes, a few times, when I was wif the whole group, as a whole big group. Ya, most of the convos were rather fun, seriously. Then again, it was a group of SGcafers. I felt a bit more open... Ah~~~ pinky very addictive to hug leh....
Though there a few discussions about boobs. And when I look down at myself. NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
I'm like seriously flat lor. T_T
Ya, aside from that, overall was fun and all.
Later at night.
Went home and I Ah Gong started to msn me. I will state here Ah Gong, cuz, I do wan ppl recognize names, but not be able to track down my blog and all.
This one later then I blog, dun feel like killing my mood now. XD
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|12:06 PM|
Finally, my Skin...
Yes, I am very tired and shacked today. Not in any mood to blog... But at least my blogskin is done.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:09 AM|
Friday, June 12, 2009
Shopping
Well, this happens all so often, it seriously makes me feel so restricted and argh.
Well, seriously, I really need a window shopping session with people who can really accept my mindset and mental state as it is. Well, also, I think I can still survive without such a session. I don't die so easily.
Anyways, yes, its been getting to me for some time now. You see, everytime I walk into a shop, that sale girls clothes, I tend to feel like buying them, but then again... Money, my mom and my fucking useless piece of meat below.
Sometimes, I know, I can't buy them, but I still feel like wanting to comment and discuss it with someone. But usually, there's either a girl I can't trust around, or guys. Here you have it, all kept within myself. Ahhh... Seriously lah, it gets me freaking irritated.
Not to mention, online shopping. Seriously, I can spend hours and hours looking at clothes, but for me to buy it online, its impossible, almost. First, if anything gets shipped to my house, and my mom finds out its a dress, I'm dead. Seriously.
So all I can do is silently look at the clothes on screen and wear them in my mind.
At the moment, I've got a few girls stuff in my wardrobe, which I have to keep it away from my mom, if not....
Anyways, have plans to buy cloth and make myself clothes seriously. At least, if I have them, I can wear them at night while I lock myself in my room.
I seriously wish I can just wear a skirt in the open public and all, but well....
ps. read on if you don't mind reading some aweful shit and all, even I myself felt what I posted below was a little ehhh...
I know sometimes, a few people threaten me here and there to smash my balls, chop off my dick and all. Seriously, sometimes it would be better off if they actually do it.
At least easier for me to tell my mom I want a sex change. Seriously.
All these years, the only benefit my dick has ever given me was the ability to use the urinal, nothing else. In fact, I find it getting in the way most of the time. For some weird reason, my dick sometimes get rock hard in the middle of presentations, or when I am talking to guys, esp some really hawt ones. Sometimes it randomly just harden up which seriously iritates me.
I know the other day someone was talking about binding boobs and all, with duct tape and whatever crap. Then when she said like taping the dick backwards and all, to try to tell the guys how much it hurts, I don't really feel very affected. Cuz actually I fucking tape my useless dick backwards everytime during important events, cuz it does nothing but gets in the way.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:58 PM|
Seriously, whats wrong with guys?
Well, posting this, cuz of a little incident that kind of got me a little pissed for a moment.
Before that, yes, I'm still very fed up about this fairytale concept.
Ok, back to topic.
Well, you see, I was with my course mate, a girl, and with another guy. You see, this girl was talking about getting Sims 3. Well, personally, I felt there was nothing wrong with it. Personally, I prefer things like zoo tycoon, but its about the same and all. And this very nice guy friend of mine had to openly say the game sucks. Not to mention, he plays something similar.
Ok, I know you have preferences, but seriously, it kind of get to my nerves lah. Yes and him and a few guys, I'm seriously disappointed with them. Here you tell my course mate, this game sucks. Behind the scenes, in front of your screens, here you have them passing around this Bazuka Cafe or some shit like that.
The only freakin differance I see in the two games. In sims, you have humans. In this whatever shit cafe, they have cows. Practically cows. Whats with guys and oversized big water balloons?
I know boobies can be nice and all, in fact I sometimes wish I had them, but must you really have them so fucking big? Seriously, guys can be fucking sick, and I mean it.
I know of some girl who also watches Yaoi and all. Here you have guys, behind the fucking scenes, passing around pictures of upskirts, naked women, sometimes of classmates. Don't ask me how the fuck they do it. I only know how fucking sick and perverted they are. Irks me.
Seriously, I don't want to be seeing all this shit and be grouped as one co-existence with these hentai bastards.
Whats wrong with these guys, seriously? I know its sometimes needed to relief yourself of your sexual needs and all, but do you really have to sacrifice the privacy of your classmates.
There are fucking porn stars out there ready for you to drool and fap to. You don't need your fucking classmates to satisfy your fucking needs. Seriously, sometimes I wish I had not seen such things.
Being a guy, all you see most of the time, when its all guys around, a group of them, they only know how to talk about porn women fap and all the other perverted things.
Why am I not a girl...
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|11:31 PM|
Stating issues, finally I guess
Yes first thing first, that freaking Fairytale theme is still getting on my nerves. Seriously.
ok now moving on finally.
Well, apparently, I'm lately been very confused about my gender, seriously confused. Yesh, I noe I have a dick down there, but I seriously am still confused, am I a guy or girl. Well, mentally and all.
Yesh, thats my main problem. Apparently, I got a crush on this guy, well, lets just name him WK for now I guess.
Well, personally, I don't really understand myself either. This WK guy, he's pretty much a nice guy, but he seriously can be a moron at times, often also making wrong decsisions and all. Though at the end of it all, he's still cute and kind. Yes, for some reason, I find him very cute. XD
Though the biggest problem I more or less have is that he's straight, very very straight, to get a very very Tsudere girlfriend.
Ya, though I have to agree, she's a nice girl, but still.. ARGH... bcuz of her, well, even if she did not realii exist or what so ever, I guess having a relationship with him is rathe very very impossible.
Well, what confuses me sometimes is, yes, I do have to admit, I do like guys, but, I just feel I'm not like gay, if you get my point. I feel more like wanting to be a girl. Its like, sometimes, I feel so useless as a guy. And seriously, guys can be quite stupid at times, but sometimes, thats also what about them that I like. some times. Ya.
Sometimes, I feel so restricted as a guy. To the eyes of normal people, no one would probably agree to me wearing like skirts almost everyday and all. All because I got a dick below there, which often I feel that its redundant and it gets in the way, all so often and all.
Ya, even though sometimes I'll prefer to live life as a girl, I still can't bring myself to do it. Not cuz I don't want, but I just can't disappoint my mum. Its like, I seriously don't know if she can ever be able to accept the fact.
I know on the surface and all, she's always acting strong, but she's actually very weak in a way. Emotionally. My dad passed away. Well thats very very long time ago. But, although she always acts as though as she's gotten over it, I always doubt it.
She does not like me to keep long hair, which seriously makes me irritated. She also does not like me shaving all the useless hair off my face, cuz my dad never did.
Yes yes, talking about shaving, I need to be getting some cream or something liao. CUz she finally gave me the green light to shave, not long hair. >.< Something like to stop hair growth or something
XD
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|10:31 AM|
Meaning of Kameyo
Well, one thing, I dunno how many peoples actually noe lah, I like turtles.
http://babynamescountry.com/meanings/Kameyo.html
So ya, this should explain a bit more.
Well, I noe this is an emo blog and all, but I nid a name I'm comfortable with, which is something Cute, at least I must find it cute. XD
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:37 AM|
Irritated
Yes, I know, I was ranting on this a few fucking moments ago, and yah, here I am again. You see, this very very fucking irritating fairytale thing is getting to annoy me again. But I'm so happy, I managed to upload my music on my blog. Geeehhh~~~~~
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:30 AM|
Posting again
Finally, I ripped out another shit of this fairytale thing, that has been bothing me for a while.
Anyways, I don't really know myself, where should I be starting, there's too much, yet so little on my mind. Like I probably said it quite a bit, I'm freaking confused.
Yes yes, I know that I myself have many many many masks. Seriously alot of masks. Sometimes, I feel I'm a completely differant person to differant people, yet I always feel deep inside, there are things that remain the same, yet sometimes, I feel so uncomfortable with what ever remains inside when I'm putting on some other mask. Seriously, it gets on my nerves.
All this time, rarely, do I feel relieved, as I contradict myself. My morals and goals, or thats what I think they are known as. I seek the truth, yet I am clueless and I fear it.
I look in the mirror sometimes, and question myself, why am I such, why am I so useless at times, I don't understand myself anymore.
Anyways, I think I can't bring myself to post too much on my blog for now. I don't feel so secure yet, well, areas and thoughts I never posted before.
I don't noe, but I feel I do have some crazy and stupid thoughts off my head right now, but I'm not ready to rack it all out from my confused mind. Not yet, but soon, I hope.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:15 AM|
First real post
Well, personally, I hate the current pictures on this damn blog, in fact, I find it very in the way. Seriously spoils the fucking mood of my Blog.
Anyways, back to the kind gentle little me, ya, for a moment now.
Well, I'd refer myself to as Kameyo here. Well, I don't have any specific reasons, but well, thats most part of it I'd have to say. Most of the time, I'd pobably not state names, and I hope I don't end up doing so. Like previously, I accidentally posted names in my previous blog, and it wasn't very pretty.
Well, over here I more or less feel like blogging quite sensitive issues and all. Whatever the case, don't ask too much about me sometimes. I'm still floating in a sea of confusion, feel restrained, yet I don't feel like retaliating.
I sometimes dunno whether cuz its something born within me, a moral value I picked up, or do I just fear disaapointment.
I did take some random quiz about my fears on face book, and it said my greatest fear is disappointment.
Which I feel, often is true, a bit too true to accept.
Anyways, brb, I just realised that my blog tab in mozilla is titled some faiytale shit. Seriously, I'm getting fed up with this fairytale concept, though I'm using it for the layout, for now. Dammit
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|4:03 AM|
Starting a new
Well, I scrapped my old blog, cuz I don't want to feel linked to it any more. There are somethings, I no longer want some people to know. I no longer feel secure sharing some things with them anymore. Well, for many reasons.
*[[ Bounded By Chains... ]]*
|2:51 AM|
kameyo
