Just to not confuse any one, I'm just posting everything running through my mind, so I don't really control whatever I post. Just posted this after I read through my post myself.
I don't want to be running all the time.
I'm getting tired.
I don't know anymore sometimes.
In fact I'm now very confused. I don't know whether I'm running, hiding, or plain killing myself.
Just to put whoever out there in ease, I have abosolutely NO suidcidal thoughts.
Like I think I mentioned before, I hate beating up a wall, which is why I have a blog.
I know many answers, I trapped by any questions, but I don't know anymore.
Here I have a friend, all these while seeking so much attention. Now that I finally have him opened up, I'm lost, I don't know anymore, how should I do it. I feel so helpless now. Now that I know his true issues, it makes me feel so helpless, not as a guy anymore, but as a person. I think I'm at my limit again. I hate feeling limited, I feel so useless. Now all I can do is be the messenger, and I hope for the best, I guess.
Now, here I have another person, not at all willing to lower his ego. I warned him, I tried to tell him to relax on his ego, but he refuses. He thinks his way will work out. I try to warn him. He has offended many, yet I still don't know why am I still trying to save him. I'm lost. Is it for my gain, when I gain nothing? I dunno anymore, I just get all confused and all. Why am I still helping him. I ask myself, why? Is it just plain normal for friends to do this, I don't know anymore.
In school, I have a fucking course manager who is a fucking bitch. Yes, a complete bitch. You see, this very NICE bitch only knows how to restrict. She never lets us venture into new fields. Why? I want to go further. I'm bored of alot the stupid things they teach. Seriously. We learn things, we never have a chance to apply. Why aren't we given a chance, why not let us venture?
Now, today, yes, I came back happy, more or less I guess. And yes, I seriously was in a good mood, and hell did my mom had to spoil my mood. Come home, talk to her, kenna scolded. She just screamed and all, venting out her anger. I know, sometimes we all need to vent out something. I let her vented it at first, of course, mood spoiled. Next, she had to fucking open the door while our cats were running around. Not once, trice. Lucky nothing happened, but yes, I was fucking pissed. She went on screaming and yelling, and hell did I realise my sister is not at home. I have fucking no idea whats wrong. And when my sis came home, she just scream and yelled more, I just fucking got so pissed. I guess back then I was also losing control on my emotions already. Locked myself in my room. And hell had she had to scream and shout at me to come out. Ok, still, I have no fucking idea why was I so obiedient. I still dragged my feet there and just had to let her vent it all out in me and my sis face.
I just freaking just had to stand there, to be a punching bag. And of all things, she fucking had to say that I don't care about her. That really made me snap. Completely. I still stood there, I was still constraining myself. I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't really know how to describe it.
And right know, some of my pals just skyped me, not mood to talk.
I feel so misunderstood. Why did she have to say I don't care about her. Whats with that. All this while, I've been doing things in silent, so I won't have to shock her or what, and now she just had to say it. I no longer feel as strong any more. I feel weird, seriously. I had almost just said it ight out to her, that I'm tired of being a guy. I just had to restrain. I no longer know why am I putting myself in such suffering. It was an almost perfect chance, or so I thought. And I had to fucking keep silent.
Ok, I tried to cool off a bit by shatting a bit on skype, doesn't work. I don't have any mood to keep up my happy self.
I'm just so confused, losing my mood fo everything for this moment. Argh. Sorry Sin, I don't think I can do any modelling to night, to messed up.
I feel to trapped. I don't know. I am like all so tempted to leave the house for a moment, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Of all times now. I feel weird, betrayed and misunderstood. I don't know anymore. I seriously am lost.
I know sometimes, I go out, catching so much attention, but sometimes, I just can't handle so much, I don't understand. I feel great with attention sometimes, I want to do more, yet I do so little. I wan to be seen, yet, I feel uncomfortable. I'm contradicting myself. Sometimes, I also feel I'm losing confidence as a guy as well, as someone who can care. I don't know.
I'm just all so confused. I don't want to disappoint her, but yet I'm running from my problem. WHy am I running, why can't I just face it. I don't want to disappoint her, I don't want to disappoint anyone, but why am I running? I'm tired, I need a break, yet, I don't want one. I want to keep going on, but I feel I'm breaking at times. I feel I'm at my limit. I want to express myself, I can't. I want to be what I want to be, I can't. I want to help my friends, I can't. I feel so restrained and limited.
What's stopping me, I dunno. I'm all so confused, I just am.
I'm getting tired of myself.
I want a change, but I don't want to lose it.
I just don't want to hurt others, yet I don't want to feel the pain.
I sometimes feel I'm just running from the past, but I want to face it, I just don't know how, I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to lose myself, yet I don't want to remain as myself as I am now. I want to relief myself, but I can;t. I feel so helpless.
I think I'll just force myself to turn in for the night in a moment. No matter what it takes. I need a break, I need one. I hope to wake up to a fresh and painless morning. Its just a hope, a dream. It is until I choose to change, but I'm not ready. I think
