Ya, seriously, I feel so helpless. Well, I think I just pick up from where I left off. I was glad I didn't bother to spoil my mood earlier, it would have made things worse.
Anyways, yesterday. Was speakign to Ah Gong on Msn, until, he suddenly threaten to commit suidcide.
Yes, obvious, I panick, alot in fact. I tried to calm him down, but he was still trying to be insistent and all. Seriously scared me alot. I ended up pulling all the people I see online, including Casloli and Tsun Tsun. We really tried to talk him through.
I really have to say that he was being a jerk and all, seriously. He said he was open to everything, every idea, yet he refuses to try a god damn fucking thing.
At least, we managed to keep him alive.
Arranged with him to meet him at the drawing session.
Well, through the day, he was in my mind, seriously. I just could not let him die. He meant alot to me. He taught me so much, he even help me with projects and when I had problems.
Well I know he lost alot of meaning in life when he broke up with his girlfriend.
I felt so helpless. Seriously, I had the thought of if I was a girl, I could possibly try to be his rebound girl friend to save him from his suffering, or at least give him a softer landing. I also felt, as a girl, I probably could reach his heart more easily. It would also be easier for me to help talk to his girl friend. BUT NO... that stupid piece of meat down there just gets in the way.
Ok, enuff about my own issue for now.
Seriously, I'm thinking a bit wild and crazy now.
Ok back to topic.
Ya, so I ended up arcading. With another friend of mine. Seriously, I spent I think almost 4 bucks on Blazblue. Yes, I was not calculating my cash flow AT all. WTF, too stressed up I guess.
Ok now, as in I mean back at that point, I think I was pretty calmed, I seriously believed so, I think.
ya, anyways, just take it I was calm.
So ya, I was at the drawing session waiting for him. Start at 6. At 6.15, I started panicking. More or less afraid that he might jump. Till Lambo and I later found him and more or less cornered him.
I can't really go into details as in what I told him.
When we were at first talking to him, he was like all so negative. Everything, I dunno, cannot, won't work, I can't decide, nothing works for me etc.
Seriously, I was very desperate to help him. I even spilled info I should not have even told him, or anyone as a matter of fact. I even exxagerated facts I knew, hoping to hit a soft spot and open up his heart.
I felt seriously weak there, Serious. There was a friend, I can't help him. I felt so useless. I could have done more if I knew what happened then. Seriously, even now, I felt I could have done more, alot more.
I noe, in the end, he scared us. He was standing, but he suddenly fell to the ground crying. I still feel very shocked from that. I knew he was weak on the inside. But he was so physically well built. He looked so mature. He is so capable. To see him just collapse. It made not only him, but I myself feel so pathetic. It made me feel so useless. Like I did the wrong move. Seriously.
Even though he started to speak after that, I still felt so useless. Well, the key thing was, he wanted to meet his girlfriend. That I could do, but that was all I could do. I felt so helpless. I did arrange for a meeting for them, but they're not ready, so its not gonna be so soon.
For all I know now, I know I know a chain of suidcide attempts he did. Now I just have to verify them. Rumors of truth. It now matters, alot. Seriously alot.
I feel that, I probably would be so much more efficient as a girl. Being a girl, when he collapsed, I could have let him rested on me. Like most normal human males, they get so comfy and relaxed when they are allowed to rest on their female counterparts chests. Seriously, whats with guys. And after that, go round boasting about it. WTF, guys are all perverts, seriously. And here I am, so fucking flat and with a useless dick.
Back to topic, yes, I felt useless, seriously. I could have done more, alot more, yet I don't know how much more, or what more I could do. I know I'm not going through this alone, I know. But I also know, I'm doing not enough. I can't just stand by and let a friend suffer. I want to help, I know I can, but I don't know how. Seriously.
I don't want to see past repeating itself, seriously. I had terrible pasts. I have lost someone important. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose a friend.
Seriously I fear the pain of lost. I don't want to lose him. I want to help him, but
I think I'll stop here for now, just can't carry on, I seems to messed up.
